How about Friday?

So the macaroni and cheese was the end of me. I brought so much home and thought about all the next day. I then decided that the middle of exams was not the time to start dieting. If there is one thing I love more than food, its free food. I wanted to be free to eat endless amounts of free bagels at school.

Well, I have been eating bagels every day but I haven't been sticking two or three bagels with cream cheese in bag to eat throughout the morning, so that's a mini victory.

So Friday I will start WW again. I know that's also a recipe for disaster given the holidays and all the semester ending parties, but I guess I will cross those bridges when I come to them.

Woops

Yesterday was Day 5 of being back on WW. I had my points all planned out so I could have two pieces of pizza at a meeting I was going to. We always have pizza.

Well instead there was macaroni and cheese, lasagna, baked ziti, etc. I didn't know the points of any of it because 1) I didn't make it and 2) I don't eat these things when I am on program. I almost never eat out, so I am not in the habit of estimating points. I measure everything.

So, what did I do? I just ate as much as I wanted; too much actually. Then I took some home (they brought out to go boxes and said it would all get thrown out). I brought home an entire container filled with

Then when I got home, of course I ate some more macaroni and cheese.

I am just going to pretend I didn't eat more than 50 points (which maybe I didn't) - that would be the point I had left for the day and all my flex points for the week. I am back on track today.

Distractions

I often eat when I am bored. Now I am successfully distracting myself with facebook video games. Well, one in particular: Restaurant City. I set up a separate account just to play it.

Anyway, it's keeping me from overeating but it's also keeping me from studying.

Free Food Temptations...

Yesterday I could feel my Wii workout in my thighs. I can still feel it in my butt today.

I am in the library all day studying today. I was worried about the free bagels they have during exams, but there were none today; I guess it's still study week.

I don't know if I have ever talked about my issues with free food. I have to eat it. I will eat three pizza dinners in a row if they're there and they're free. At school there is always free pizza and I am in a lot of clubs. I think this has a lot to do with my 15lb weight gain since the semester started. I would eat pizza every night for days on end. Plus, I wasn't moving around as much. I was just sitting in class and riding elevators.

I went to a club event that had a ton of extra food - I ate so much that I could barely drive home. I was fuller than on Thanksgiving. I was still uncomfortably full an hour later. I think part of it is that I was raised to never waste food or money; free food accomplishes both. The extra food was going to end up in the garbage. Now it will live forever in my thighs, butt, and belly. Well, hopefully not forever.

I am really excited that I can still feel my work out. It reminds me to work out again today.

Weight Watchers Wagon

So I am doing my off the books WW thing again.

I can't believe I get 30 points. I've never been allowed that many. It kind of upsets me.

I am at 25 so far. I might have some veggie dogs.

Day 1 and feeling fine.

I did Wii for an hour.

Did I mention I am trying to lose 52 lbs in the next year?

Oh my...

I just saw my (221.8) over on the side of my blog. I can't believe I have gained almost 15 lbs in two months.

234 and feeling horrible.

I can't hide from it. Not only did I gain back all the weight I lost this summer, I gained back more than half the weight I lost two summers ago which I kept off for a year. I am not happy with myself.

I kept avoiding it and days became weeks became months. My wii fit told me it hadn't seen me in 56 says. I couldn't believe it and swore I would workout more. Earlier this week it told me I had been gone almost 30 days. Where does the time go?

I am the heaviest I have been this entire calendar year, but about 7 or 8lbs. What is wrong with me? Why would I let this happen?

So here I am, starting over. I am going to lose 1lb per week for the next year. No more joking around. If I mess up a week, I have to make it up the next week. I am going to give myself some flexibility but I can't be as easy as I have been.

Today I am being mindful of what I eat and tomorrow I am going back to really counting my points.

Sorry I've been gone so long. Rest assured that when I am not here, I am off somewhere gaining weight...

Bummed

I just feel really down and hopeless today.

I don't know if it's weight related or not. I just feel overwhelmed.

I asked for it...

I had so much guilt about being successful with dieting while watching my peer bloggers struggle.

Now I've gained back all the wait I lost. Yesterday I binged on chips and dip, pizza, blue cheese, and desserts. Then I got home and ate a gigantic piece of pepperoni pizza with blue cheese (and I'm a vegetarian) mere moments before going to bed.

Today I woke up resolved to be better. I worked out on the Wii for 45 minutes, I had yogurt and a banana for breakfast. I was tracking my points and I felt good. However, we had brought home almost an entire pizza left over from the in-law dinner yesterday. I told myself I wouldn't eat it - that there were plenty of delicious and healthy foods I would have instead. Nope. I ate the pizza and more blue cheese and then a brownie. I've been eating all day.

Now I am upset about how much I ate but I am also worried about food in the fridge going to waste. I need to not eat it just because I think it will get wasted. I should only eat if I am hungry. I'd like to see that happen.

I feel so defeated. I also feel out of control of other areas of my life as well. I need to get a grip.

Back on Track

Ok, I just decided to do it and be better. I've been good so far today. I am keeping track, at least, which is a big step forward.

It just happened. I haven't gained too much since the post before my last post, but I have gained back the 10 lbs I lost when I was on a roll this summer.

I am disappointed in myself.

IDK

I don't know what is going on. It's as if the part of my life where I wanted to lose weight never existed. I'm scared to find out that I am gaining weight. What is happening? I don't know what is going on. I am just eating what I want to eat and I'm not thinking about it.

It's actually kind of nice to not think about what I am eating, but this is no good for the long term. I could end up 300lbs.

I am not even trying. I used to always have these little things that I thought would make all the difference - using only mustard on a burger, no ketchup (30 calorie savings?), not putting butter on anything (that probably does add up, but on its own won't accomplish much). Now I am using ketchup and butter with wild abandon!

This isn't me. What is happening?

What the what?

I feel like throwing in the towel. I don't know why. My enthusiasm has waned and I don't know what to do.

I am disgusted with how I look but I am not doing anything about it. I didn't start dieting again on Tuesday like I said I would. I don't know why. Am I just too lazy? I don't feel like measuring but I also don't feel like staying fat. Then again, is not being fat even possible?

I don't know.

New routine

So the summer has ended and my schedule is totally different. Instead of the same thing M-F, I have a wildly varying schedule day to day. There needs to be a lot more planning on my part as I will be have two meals away from home a couple days a week. I've never been one to eat out when I can bring my own lunch/dinner, so I just have to stay on top of things and keep stuff handy that I can easily grab in the morning.

Here goes!

Letting it all hang out

So I am almost always sucking my stomach in. I live in a near constant state of contracted abdominal muscles. (As a result, I think I have a 4 or 6 pack under all this flab, if only I could see it...I can see the top two muscles...)

Anyway, every once in a blue moon, I will let it all out put pretend I am pushing it out (but I am really just relaxed) and make some comment to my husband like, "This is what I really look like." He frowns at me, thinking I am being mean to myself and said, "Stop it baby, no you don't."

I do. I do. I do. It is what I look like and he doesn't know it.

Completely Off

So I am totally off the wagon. I haven't been binging or going crazy - but I have been eating and not keeping track. I'm only eating when I am hungry. However, I am susceptible to eating just because I think something will go to waste. I cringe when I read other people's blogs about overcoming temptation by throwing a whole plate of cupcakes in the garbage or something like that. My mom was really neurotic about wasting food and it's ingrained in me. Since we are doing two CSA's and I just signed up for a bread-share (local bread baked in a field), we have a steady supply of perishable food coming in that we need to stay on top of. I am also trying to do a fridge cleanse (I did one a couple months ago) where I try to reduce the number of condiments and storage containers by consuming the contents.

Anyway, so all this off the waggon business has resulted in 5lb gain in the last month. I was actually realieve that it was only 5lbs but now that I think about it, that is pretty horrible. That would be the equivalent of 60lbs a year. That is not the road I want to be on.

So, I am resolving that starting after labor day (we have a family picnic! I know it's wrong but I am doing it anyway) I am back on the wagon!

Dumped

I haven't been dumped, but it's the same feeling.

I had a summer job which had the possibility of becoming and school year job and then becoming an offer for a full-time job. They like me a lot and indicated that I would be around in the fall.

Today the boss said they don't know. There are a lot of experienced folks applying for jobs with them and I am not even done with school and they like me but they don't know.

Before we even got to that part I was thinking, "Are you dumping me?" It's more of a break so workplace can "find itself" if you will, but it feels like being dumped. I am in love and the other party is, "I really like you but I don't know."

So it's tough.

I know this isn't weight related, but it's weighing down on my pretty heavily. I thought I would be working there during the semester and they've reconsidered.

I'm back!!

I tried giving a head's up that I would be busy for awhile. I went away, had company, went away for over week, but now I am back and getting settled. I thought that time would just be a break from blogging, but it was also a break from the wagon. I fell off and I fell hard. I haven't weighed myself yet. I'm a little worried. I think I may have gained back all the weight I lost this round.

I need to weight myself. I don't want to because I am scared of what I will see, but by not looking, I can pretend everything is ok and neither get back on track nor feel like I have done anything wrong. That will only make things worse.

I will weight myself tonight. I will get back on track. This will be ok.

I can't help but wonder if this really happened on its own, or of this was subconscious guilt about succeeding. I really think it was the former. I mean, I was out of town for a week for work with no kitchen and pretty much had to eat out every meal. Yes I could have eaten healthier. Yes I could have not gone to the greasy all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant and make 6 or 7 trips to the buffet.

Ok, this is starting to look more like my fault and less like a matter of circumstances. Did I mention my birthday fell during this break, too? Any sympathy?

Light month

This month isn't going to get much posting I fear. I am really busy.

I went to Las Vegas, ate at buffets almost every meal, was up 4.5 but was good this week and lost 4. Now we have company in town and I am being bad again but hopefully being good next week will counteract that.

I am nearly drowning in produce from my farmshares, so hopefully that will help me stay on track.

Long time, no blog

Sorry folks. I was out of town over the weekend at a wedding and didn't have the internets.

Soooo, I was in Vegas, the land of all-you-can-eat buffets. I think I did some damage. I weighed myself last night but it was late at night, so I am not counting that. I think I will wait until Saturday morning, my usual weigh-in day. I missed it last week, but oh well.

We have guests staying with us later this week and then I will be out of town a week after that - so I am worried that August will not be a good month.

Celebratory Meal?

So I have been doing really well but last week I had some days where I ate too much but then was good and did better than on a week when I was only good. So today I was bad (ate lots of pizza and chips) and tried to justify it but thinking I had been doing so well.

That's the exact thing that just the other day, I said I didn't do. I guess I am learning more about myself every day.

-1.7!

I thought this week was wrecked.

This goes to show that messing up one (ok twice) in a week doesn't mean you should give up!

Thanks to DH for the words of encouragement and helping me stick with it.

He started counting calories for himself. =)

Rough Start

So this week got off to a rough start but I got back on track. Tomorrow is weigh-in, so we'll see.

I weighed myself this morning with wet hair and jeans on, and I was only .4 above last week, so hopefully tomorrow there is a loss.

Sunday I overate, Tuesday I went to a restaurant for lunch where I had no way to gauge the points and when I got home I just wanted to binge. I ate two pieces of pizza, but spit out half of each piece after chewing it up. I never do that.

I somehow recovered yesterday and tonight I had a light lunch because we were supposed to have a meeting with pizza. I guess it's for the best that we didn't. So now it's dinner and I have 18 points left!

Words of Encouragement

The other day, DH said I was doing a good job (sticking with my diet). It made me smile.

I love him.

Self-destruction

Nowawdays, you see more attention on tv and whatnot about the things that teenagers go through. People are more aware of "cutting" and other self-inflicted harm the emotionally disabled people, particularly teenagers and especially females.

As far as I know, no one thinks of eating this way. I can remember times in college that I specifically ate means of self-harm. It was like cutting but without the "cry-for-help" scabs and scars. It was secret and no one knew about it. There were even one or two occasions where I binged for the sole purpose of throwing up. I wanted to throw-up before I had even eaten.

I did other things besides overeat during the time in my life, but all that is behind me. I'm happier and more stable now. I just thought this was a good forum to put my theory out there. I don't think the main-stream could acknowledge over-eating and deliberate self-harm the way they have reached out to people with little scars all up and down their arms. Even the ones who cut themselves - they seem like more sympathetic characters if they aren't already fat.

Dropping Off...

Sorry for being MIA for a few days. The weekend just flew by.

Last night, after weekly dinner with the in-laws, I started to feel the enthusiasm of a newbie slipping away. I ate too much - but not necessarily over my allowance of flex points. I save all the flex for Sunday just in case. I didn't know what went into the food - ("how much oil, butter, or parmesan is hiding in here?") and so couldn't calculate points accurately and so just ate as much as I wanted. I was too full for it to have been OK.

As we were leaving I felt the enthusiasm slipping. Then I stayed up too late last night and I knew I wouldn't get up in time to ride my bike to work. Now it's supposed to rain every day this week and I am tempted to not even try riding at all for the next 4 days.

I know one can't lose 5 lbs a week and I try to support the other women who get frustrated with no loss or only a 1lb. I lost .5 in 6 days and while part of my knows this is how it goes, I still feel deflated. I like to not do the math and pretend I can lose 25 lbs in a month. Losing 50lbs could very well take me a year and I know that, but I like to see results on the scale every week.

I think if I can just get to the 100s (or Onederland as everyone on 3FatChicks seems to call it) then I think I will be super energized. I just have to get through the next 25 lbs.

I am disappointed in myself for yesterday. While I most likely stayed within my daily points plus flex points, I undoubtedly ate more calories than I burned yesterday. I am not scientist but that means I gained weight and that my loss this week, if any, will be minimal. *Sigh*

Food Relationships

So I was thinking today that there are two ways to approach changing my relationship with food. Well, there are probably a million but here is what I was thinking.

I used to always fantasize about cooking really delicious healthy food. Sometimes I do - but I was thinking was great ingredients, fresh herbs, great spices, so it's an enjoyable experience but healthier and more sophisticated. It's not just adding french fries and cheese to every dish.

Then the other day I was thinking about downplaying the role food plays in my life. What if food was just nourishment - something I ate to nurish me and fill me up, but not an elaborate ceremony - just get it in to get full. Would that help me detach from by food obsession and then come back have a healthier relationship later on?

You know, should it be like a break-up - we can't see each other for awhile because it's too painful. We can only be friends if we take a break. Or should it be like the first approach - meeting someone better so I can move on and never think about the old one?

Did this make sense?

The last acceptable form of discrimination?

By no means have we evolved enough as a society that we've thrown away all the stereotypes and prejudice out there, but at least we have acknowledged that certain things are bad: racism, agism, homophobia, gender discrimination, ethnic jokes, certain religious discrimination (ex. Judaism is out but it's still ok to hate on Catholics).

People haven't really recognized sizism...weightism? Whatever it is - it's ok to hate on people because they are fat.

Childhood

I am a Big Sister to a little girl. Lately, whenever she says she is hungry, she starts by saying, "I'm not trying to bet fat, but..." It really upsets me. Her older brother has been telling her that she is fat. She's not fat. She's not one of those rail thin kids and she may be disposed to being overweight as she gets older, but she is not fat yet.

He tells her this and it makes her cry. I told her how when I was little my brother always said I was fat and him saying that and me believing it made me get fat. That's simplifying things, but she's 9, so I kept it simple.

She has had weight issues for awhile. When she was about 7, when she was at my house, she would weight herself every 10 minutes to see if it changed. I tried explaining to her that it doesn't work that way. She also thought she was fat until I explained to her that most grown-ups weigh more than 100 lbs, so weighing 60 was really not a big deal.

I told her that she can still try to eat healthy and exercise just because it is good for everyone, whether they are fat or thin. She really doesn't know anything about nutrition. She was shocked when I told her McDonald's wasn't healthy. Last night I had to break the news to her that pepperoni and bacon aren't healthy, either.

Hello

I've been on a roll posting and I didn't want to let another day go by.

I was just reading Lisa's blog, catching up. I had meetings today and yesterday after work, so not so much time. I rode my bike to work yesterday but got up too late today. I made up for it by riding my bike to the meeting. If I don't get in bed soon, I'm going to have a repeat of this morning.

Lisa is right about everyone struggling. I am doing well this week but to think I got over 200, then I got down to 175 without much effort (I was doing study abroad - different lifestyle, it just sort of happened. I helped it along. I think I have an old post about it - about my control issues and having someone standing around telling me to eat was just what I needed to not eat) and I gained it all back the next semester because of depression related over-eating. I looked so good. The night I got back my boyfriend (now husband) said I looked like a movie star. I still think about that. I know he loves me no matter what and how I am now (and I'm a lot smaller than him) but I know he really liked me thinner, too.

I got off topic. Basically it makes me sick how since I was 8 I've been trying to lose weight and in the time in between then and now, I have let myself gain tons. Not losing weight is bad enough - did I really have to gain it?!?!

Anyway, I'm hopeful this time. I think the blogging (my own and others I read) is helping and I hope it makes a real difference.

I do still think though that if I am successful and lose all the weight, that I will lose the solidarity that bonds heavy women together. I'll be a defector or a traitor.

Blog List Edits

When I started this blog, I searched high and low for other blogs by fat women. I wasn't looking for diet blogs. If someone was dieting, fine, but I was looking for blogs about being fat. Google didn't seem to help, so I just thought up titles and searched for them. I just used different words for fat and woman. I never thought to use someone's name - I figured everyone would be like me and want to be anonymous.

Now I have a handful of blogs I really enjoy, and they all seem to have the persons name in the title. I never would have found them on my own.

The following are blogs that I found, but that were long abandoned. I still enjoyed reading them.

Because they are no longer active, I am removing them. I want to direct people to sites I like and not overwhelm folks with dead blogs. Here they are if you are interested. They are all the titles below .blogspot.com (ex. diaryofafatgirl.blogspot.com).

• Fat Girl Blogger
• Fat Girl's Journey
• Diary of a Fat Girl
• Fat Gal
• Fatgrrl
• Big Boned Girl
• fatgirl
• bigfatgirl
• fatgirllife
• afatgirl
• fatfatgirl
• fatchick
• fatgirlstory
• blogofafatgirl

So proud!

Sunday nights are the most dangerous time for me. We have family dinner my husband's family. Sometimes it's just us and his mom.

Anyway, she's all about snacks, butter, oil, cheese, etc. For last few weeks I've literally eaten an entire bag of Lays (1750 calories) with little help from my husband. Ten minutes later I would be gorging myself on a butter,cheese, and white carb laden dinner.

I had saved all my flex points for today, just in case. I even worked out for half an hour on the Wii and did some intensive gardening.

I was sooo good. I still can't believe it. I was also able to do it in a way that no one noticed I was cutting back or had to ask if I was on a diet.

It helped that in addition to the array of chips, she had this week gotten hummus and flat-out whole grain bread (1 pt each) so I had that instead of chips and it helped keep me from eating too much cheese ravioli. In the end, I was so good that I had enough regular points to have a serving of chips before we left and I never touched my flex points.

I thought having other people read my blog would keep me accountable. What I have noticed instead is that reading other people's blogs, and knowing they read my blog, has made me want to set a good example. I want to let other women know that it is possible. That is what is motivating me now - not the fear of embarrassing myself by failing.

It also helps that I lost another pound. I'm down 5 since turning over this new leaf.

No excuses

I don't know what my problem has been. I don't think I have a hard time dieting - I just have a hard time committing in the first place.

I don't like peanut butter. I'm not obsessed with chocolate. I love vegetables and whole grains. I'm a vegetarian so fast food really has no appeal to me. There are so many things that should make this easier for me, and yet I've let myself gain all this weight.

I will say, however, that bread, cheese, pizza, pasta, chips, french fries, etc. really get me.

Fat-Check

When I was in high school, I checked in every class to see if I was the fattest person there. It was an all girls school.

I was glad that I was the second fattest person in every class.

It never got me anywhere. Was I trying to convince myself it wasn't that bad since there was someone fatter?

Exercise

I got back on my Wii fit today for the first time a month.

While I was working out, doing the advanced step aerobics, I remembered going to my mom's step class when I was about 12. It was at the YMCA. I remember all the activities I was in - soccer, racquetball, nautilus strength training...and I remembered vividly how I thought each one of those would be the answer to my weight problems. I was so optimistic. I had forgotten about that. I would be there do the strength training circuit machines and I fantasized about the kids at school being blown away but how good I looked. I was in middle school.

It some senses it's a sweet memory but it also makes me sad. So much of my youth was consumed by feeling fat. What a waste. I think it only made me fatter. I wasted a growth spurt that had actually thinned me out a nice amount. Now I'm obese.

P.S. I lost 4 lbs in the last 6 days.

How did I get here?

I always thought those people you see on Discovery Health who way 800 lbs are nuts - how did they let that happen? Wouldn't you get to 500 and be like "hmm...maybe I should turn this train around?"

I was wrong and I am ashamed for thinking those thoughts. I also shouldn't be judging other people when I am obese.

I got a taste of my own medicine. I gained weight and fast and I was on track to keep gaining and gaining. I couldn't see it. I could only tell in pictures. My eyes looking in the mirror hadn't adjusted to how I was really looking. I also remember watching the first season of Celebrity Fit Club and at the time, Mia Tyler weighed about 5lbs more than me but I thought she looked waaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger. That couldn't be - we're similar heights. I couldn't see it on me.

I need to prepare for this in reverse, too. So many folks lose the weight and they still see their fat self. There I was, pushing 250 and I saw 220. It may sound nice, but I still thought I was fat (just not that fat) and it was leading me to gain more weight.

Recycling

I'm not going to lie- I've recycled this post from a comment I left on another blog. I like what I wrote, though, I decided to make it it's own post on my blog.

-
I always thought "why bother trying to look nice?" because nothing could make up for being fat.

If you're watching TLC, watch "What Not to Wear." They tell all the heavy women not to put their life off until they are thing.

When I put on a nice outfit and do my makeup, I feel like a million bucks. When I see woman bigger than me who you can see care about their appearance - the outfits are sharp, their hair is done, their make-up is flawless - I think they look amazing.

I know, I know

Things will get better. I run on here and when I am angry at DH. That's been about twice in the last 12 months.

I really like how in Bridget Jones Diary, at the end (SPOILER ALERT) when Mr. Darcy leaves her in her underwear to get her a new diary, he acknowledges that diaries are all crap. They serve a purpose.

I never run on here to gush about how wonderful DH is.

Maybe it's because I think there is more solidarity in misery than in happiness. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into things. Maybe it's just that when things are great, I have lots of people to tell, and when things aren't, I don't have anyone to talk about it. In the human world (as opposed to computer world) I am much more tight-lipped about the day to day unpleastantries. Maybe I would feel better if I got these things out more.

I had just made up my mind to be angry forever and then Lisa gave me my first blog comment.

So here we go...I can do this.

Crossroads

So here I am. I have been on track for four days and I get in a screaming fight with DH.

I see three options:
a) binge to make myself feel worse
b) starve to be stubborn and try to gain a feeling of control
c) carry on like nothing happened, count my points, and die a little inside

It looks like its going to be C.

I've already beat myself up, literally, so I might as well do the rational thing.

If I go with C, at least if things get bad enough, I will be thin enough for someone else to love me.

Three Days In A Row!

I have been on track for three days. I was so good today, I had enough points to eat two homemade cookies. YUM!

Readers

I got excited for a second thinking I had a reader because one of my posts had a comment.

Then I saw I wrote the comment.

Holidays

I totally blew it over the holiday weekend, but I am back on track.

I am so sick of being fat. I gained my last bit of weight so fast that it hasn't registered and pictures horrify me.

I stayed on track today and I even exercised. Today is the new first day of the rest of my life.

New Leaf

It's July 1, the year is half over. I am getting on the wagon.

I am going to do Weight Watchers, off the books. I'm not joining up. I have a grasp of the program from some books a friend gave me. She did it, quit, rejoined, and gave me her old set of materials, her calculator, etc. I started doing the program myself.

Honestly, it is the only conscious diet that has ever worked for me. I did it awhile ago and lost weight - I don't know why I ever stopped. I never got to my ideal weight. So here I go, back on. I did it today and I am really proud of my self control. I'm not hungry - I just stopped myself from eating past the point of full.

I really like WW - it's like a game for me. I think it's kind of fun. I feel like I am being challenged - like it's a dare. It's way better than counting calories - it's about picking the right foods.

So it begins. It is July 1, 2009. I weigh 229 pounds - about 15 lbs less than my heaviest weight.

I have never admitted to my weight - I under report it when I give blood. The only time another soul has known my actual weight is in a doctor's office.

This is a big step for me - accepting my weight and acknowledging it semi-publicly. (Semi because the blog is anonymous and I don't know that I have ANY readers.)

Here it goes...

Wii Fit

I got a Wii Fit a few months ago. I thought it would be great for tracking my weight over time, getting into yoga, strength training, losing weight, and offering a general alternative to eating or sitting on the couch.

Well I like it and it's fun. I started out using it every day, now it's less and less. My weight has been pretty steady of the few months I have had it, just going up and down between 226 and 219. I am glad that I've been able to maintain my 20lb loss from last summer, though I gained back the extra weight I had lost in the fall, 5 or so pounds. I really want to get below 200.

I am going to keep at it. I've been most playing games and doing less of the yoga and no strength training for awhile. I've been getting better about the aerobics. I like the top ten score list, it gives me a challenge and motivation to work towards something.

Anyway, I recommend it. It wasn't the magic bullet I hoped it would be, but it is good.

Let's be clear...

I want to emphasize that this is not a diet blog. I was thinking about diet girl and how she made blogging about being fat into a career.

I haven't read her blog but her name says it all. It wasn't about being fat, it was about dieting. People are fine with hearing from fat people about being fat as long as what they are saying is that they want to be thin and are trying really hard and even better, spending money on the dieting industry.

Forget that. That's ridiculous. Why can't people just talk about being fat, how it feels, and what we think about.

No matter what I weight, and I still weigh a lot, I will always be a fat girl.

Anniversary

I can't believe I let my one year glob anniversary come and go. I thought I started this blog later, like July. I didn't know my first post was April 30.

Well hurray for me, keeping it up for one year when I have absolutely no readers. I will have to check soon to see if any of the blogs I link to have posted made it this far.

More food (for) thought...

(this is the post that was written for my public blog but will not appear there, not yet)

I feel like it's kind of awkward for people to watch an obese person obsess over food. It would be one thing if I had the anonymity of the blogosphere, but this is the blog that my family reads.
However, I think there are some things I need to accept. 1) Weight is not a suppressible characteristic. 2) Denial and avoidance won't change anything.

Since I don't see my family on a daily or weekly basis, I do wonder what folks think when they see me for the first time in months - how different I look from the last time and if they're worried about me.

I don't want to admit to people that I want to lose weight. I feel like it makes people look at you differently, judge all the food that goes in your mouth (which people do to fat people anyway), and it makes it worse when you fail. Everyone knows you don't have a grip on things.
I have control issues, no doubt. This is something I have yet to gain control of on a long term basis. The most useful thing for me would actually to be to have someone following me around and telling me to eat. I know because I've been in that situation and that's when I eat the least and when I really became aware of how little food it takes to become full.

Anyway, I'm not really sure where I am going with this but I thought it was something I should get off my chest. I can't even begin to explain how consuming my relationship with food can be. It's kind of a big deal.

Coming out as a fattie...

Obviously everyone can tell when someone is fat. However, not everyone can tell that a person constantly thinks about the fact that she is fat. Admitting that is a big deal.

This is like my secret life blog. I have a blog that I do share with my family. I thought I could come out to them - let them know I know I am fat, that I wonder what they think every time they see me, and that I wish I wasn't fat.

I couldn't do it. Not yet. Maybe I can. So here I am going to post that post here instead.

Food Relationships

I want to change my relationship with food. I think this blog can play a role. Maybe I can turn this into one of those food porn blogs. Then again, who does that help? I don't know.

I want a food porn blog but does that mean I should create a third blog? It seems a little over the top. How said is it that I feel I have to completely compartmentalize my life - that no one person can see every part? Not even my husband sees this part, and we are very close. I could tell him these thoughts but I don't think I could let him read them because I feel like that's more raw.

In any case, I want to change my relationship with food. I want to get excited about healthy foods and delicious complex foods. I get lazy when I cook and I need to stop that. I want to be more intenional about what I eat and think more about nourishing my body and less about satisfying some urge.

I have several strengths to capitalize one. First, I am not gaga for desserts. I more into salty things, so I don't have to worry about an eternal struggle with chocolate. Second, I am a vegetarian and I am lactose intolerant. I am going to use this as my motivation to give up cheese and other other dairy prducts - the number one calorie contributor in my life probably. After I give up dairy, it seems like I might as well take the plunge into veganism. That might be a few months off or it might happen more quickly than I think. I guess we will see.

Weight Worries

I have always been worried about my weight. However, when there is someone else in the equation, you start to worry about their health.

I wonder if overweight people often end up together. My husband and I were both this way before we met. Well, looking back, I wasn't as bad as I am now. He fluctuates a lot, but it can be hard to tell when I'm around him all the time - even where there's a 50lb difference. I don't really realize it until I look into photos.

Anyway, I'm worried about him. He's really unhealthy. I'm scared that he's going to die before he's 50. He might get diabetes. He never goes to doctors, so who knows how serious this is. I am scared, though. I'm really really scared.

I wish I could be a good influence on him but instead he ends up being a bad influence on me. He won't go for walks. I end up using food as a sign of affection - I get him treats to show him I love him. I'm just like my mother in that regard - though she never hesitated to tell me how fat and unattractive I was. The treats she got weren't usually for me.

Long time, no blog

I can't believe this is my first post of the new year. Oh well, it isn't as if I have any followers.

I found out that this has already been done. Some fat woman from Australia or something like this did do a blog about being fat and losing weight and became really famous. Somehow I had missed that in all my quests for blogs about fat girls.

I guess the difference is that her blog was about dieting, not about being fat.

Also, I did gain weight over the holidays, but I am still 20 lbs below where I was a year ago. I've gained back about 7lbs, but I am determined to lose it. Even typing that felt like a lie. I'm not that determined, but I do want it.