Sunday, July 26, 2009

Celebratory Meal?

So I have been doing really well but last week I had some days where I ate too much but then was good and did better than on a week when I was only good. So today I was bad (ate lots of pizza and chips) and tried to justify it but thinking I had been doing so well.

That's the exact thing that just the other day, I said I didn't do. I guess I am learning more about myself every day.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


I thought this week was wrecked.

This goes to show that messing up one (ok twice) in a week doesn't mean you should give up!

Thanks to DH for the words of encouragement and helping me stick with it.

He started counting calories for himself. =)

Friday, July 24, 2009

Rough Start

So this week got off to a rough start but I got back on track. Tomorrow is weigh-in, so we'll see.

I weighed myself this morning with wet hair and jeans on, and I was only .4 above last week, so hopefully tomorrow there is a loss.

Sunday I overate, Tuesday I went to a restaurant for lunch where I had no way to gauge the points and when I got home I just wanted to binge. I ate two pieces of pizza, but spit out half of each piece after chewing it up. I never do that.

I somehow recovered yesterday and tonight I had a light lunch because we were supposed to have a meeting with pizza. I guess it's for the best that we didn't. So now it's dinner and I have 18 points left!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Words of Encouragement

The other day, DH said I was doing a good job (sticking with my diet). It made me smile.

I love him.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Nowawdays, you see more attention on tv and whatnot about the things that teenagers go through. People are more aware of "cutting" and other self-inflicted harm the emotionally disabled people, particularly teenagers and especially females.

As far as I know, no one thinks of eating this way. I can remember times in college that I specifically ate means of self-harm. It was like cutting but without the "cry-for-help" scabs and scars. It was secret and no one knew about it. There were even one or two occasions where I binged for the sole purpose of throwing up. I wanted to throw-up before I had even eaten.

I did other things besides overeat during the time in my life, but all that is behind me. I'm happier and more stable now. I just thought this was a good forum to put my theory out there. I don't think the main-stream could acknowledge over-eating and deliberate self-harm the way they have reached out to people with little scars all up and down their arms. Even the ones who cut themselves - they seem like more sympathetic characters if they aren't already fat.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Dropping Off...

Sorry for being MIA for a few days. The weekend just flew by.

Last night, after weekly dinner with the in-laws, I started to feel the enthusiasm of a newbie slipping away. I ate too much - but not necessarily over my allowance of flex points. I save all the flex for Sunday just in case. I didn't know what went into the food - ("how much oil, butter, or parmesan is hiding in here?") and so couldn't calculate points accurately and so just ate as much as I wanted. I was too full for it to have been OK.

As we were leaving I felt the enthusiasm slipping. Then I stayed up too late last night and I knew I wouldn't get up in time to ride my bike to work. Now it's supposed to rain every day this week and I am tempted to not even try riding at all for the next 4 days.

I know one can't lose 5 lbs a week and I try to support the other women who get frustrated with no loss or only a 1lb. I lost .5 in 6 days and while part of my knows this is how it goes, I still feel deflated. I like to not do the math and pretend I can lose 25 lbs in a month. Losing 50lbs could very well take me a year and I know that, but I like to see results on the scale every week.

I think if I can just get to the 100s (or Onederland as everyone on 3FatChicks seems to call it) then I think I will be super energized. I just have to get through the next 25 lbs.

I am disappointed in myself for yesterday. While I most likely stayed within my daily points plus flex points, I undoubtedly ate more calories than I burned yesterday. I am not scientist but that means I gained weight and that my loss this week, if any, will be minimal. *Sigh*

Friday, July 17, 2009

Food Relationships

So I was thinking today that there are two ways to approach changing my relationship with food. Well, there are probably a million but here is what I was thinking.

I used to always fantasize about cooking really delicious healthy food. Sometimes I do - but I was thinking was great ingredients, fresh herbs, great spices, so it's an enjoyable experience but healthier and more sophisticated. It's not just adding french fries and cheese to every dish.

Then the other day I was thinking about downplaying the role food plays in my life. What if food was just nourishment - something I ate to nurish me and fill me up, but not an elaborate ceremony - just get it in to get full. Would that help me detach from by food obsession and then come back have a healthier relationship later on?

You know, should it be like a break-up - we can't see each other for awhile because it's too painful. We can only be friends if we take a break. Or should it be like the first approach - meeting someone better so I can move on and never think about the old one?

Did this make sense?

The last acceptable form of discrimination?

By no means have we evolved enough as a society that we've thrown away all the stereotypes and prejudice out there, but at least we have acknowledged that certain things are bad: racism, agism, homophobia, gender discrimination, ethnic jokes, certain religious discrimination (ex. Judaism is out but it's still ok to hate on Catholics).

People haven't really recognized sizism...weightism? Whatever it is - it's ok to hate on people because they are fat.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


I am a Big Sister to a little girl. Lately, whenever she says she is hungry, she starts by saying, "I'm not trying to bet fat, but..." It really upsets me. Her older brother has been telling her that she is fat. She's not fat. She's not one of those rail thin kids and she may be disposed to being overweight as she gets older, but she is not fat yet.

He tells her this and it makes her cry. I told her how when I was little my brother always said I was fat and him saying that and me believing it made me get fat. That's simplifying things, but she's 9, so I kept it simple.

She has had weight issues for awhile. When she was about 7, when she was at my house, she would weight herself every 10 minutes to see if it changed. I tried explaining to her that it doesn't work that way. She also thought she was fat until I explained to her that most grown-ups weigh more than 100 lbs, so weighing 60 was really not a big deal.

I told her that she can still try to eat healthy and exercise just because it is good for everyone, whether they are fat or thin. She really doesn't know anything about nutrition. She was shocked when I told her McDonald's wasn't healthy. Last night I had to break the news to her that pepperoni and bacon aren't healthy, either.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


I've been on a roll posting and I didn't want to let another day go by.

I was just reading Lisa's blog, catching up. I had meetings today and yesterday after work, so not so much time. I rode my bike to work yesterday but got up too late today. I made up for it by riding my bike to the meeting. If I don't get in bed soon, I'm going to have a repeat of this morning.

Lisa is right about everyone struggling. I am doing well this week but to think I got over 200, then I got down to 175 without much effort (I was doing study abroad - different lifestyle, it just sort of happened. I helped it along. I think I have an old post about it - about my control issues and having someone standing around telling me to eat was just what I needed to not eat) and I gained it all back the next semester because of depression related over-eating. I looked so good. The night I got back my boyfriend (now husband) said I looked like a movie star. I still think about that. I know he loves me no matter what and how I am now (and I'm a lot smaller than him) but I know he really liked me thinner, too.

I got off topic. Basically it makes me sick how since I was 8 I've been trying to lose weight and in the time in between then and now, I have let myself gain tons. Not losing weight is bad enough - did I really have to gain it?!?!

Anyway, I'm hopeful this time. I think the blogging (my own and others I read) is helping and I hope it makes a real difference.

I do still think though that if I am successful and lose all the weight, that I will lose the solidarity that bonds heavy women together. I'll be a defector or a traitor.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Blog List Edits

When I started this blog, I searched high and low for other blogs by fat women. I wasn't looking for diet blogs. If someone was dieting, fine, but I was looking for blogs about being fat. Google didn't seem to help, so I just thought up titles and searched for them. I just used different words for fat and woman. I never thought to use someone's name - I figured everyone would be like me and want to be anonymous.

Now I have a handful of blogs I really enjoy, and they all seem to have the persons name in the title. I never would have found them on my own.

The following are blogs that I found, but that were long abandoned. I still enjoyed reading them.

Because they are no longer active, I am removing them. I want to direct people to sites I like and not overwhelm folks with dead blogs. Here they are if you are interested. They are all the titles below (ex.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

So proud!

Sunday nights are the most dangerous time for me. We have family dinner my husband's family. Sometimes it's just us and his mom.

Anyway, she's all about snacks, butter, oil, cheese, etc. For last few weeks I've literally eaten an entire bag of Lays (1750 calories) with little help from my husband. Ten minutes later I would be gorging myself on a butter,cheese, and white carb laden dinner.

I had saved all my flex points for today, just in case. I even worked out for half an hour on the Wii and did some intensive gardening.

I was sooo good. I still can't believe it. I was also able to do it in a way that no one noticed I was cutting back or had to ask if I was on a diet.

It helped that in addition to the array of chips, she had this week gotten hummus and flat-out whole grain bread (1 pt each) so I had that instead of chips and it helped keep me from eating too much cheese ravioli. In the end, I was so good that I had enough regular points to have a serving of chips before we left and I never touched my flex points.

I thought having other people read my blog would keep me accountable. What I have noticed instead is that reading other people's blogs, and knowing they read my blog, has made me want to set a good example. I want to let other women know that it is possible. That is what is motivating me now - not the fear of embarrassing myself by failing.

It also helps that I lost another pound. I'm down 5 since turning over this new leaf.

No excuses

I don't know what my problem has been. I don't think I have a hard time dieting - I just have a hard time committing in the first place.

I don't like peanut butter. I'm not obsessed with chocolate. I love vegetables and whole grains. I'm a vegetarian so fast food really has no appeal to me. There are so many things that should make this easier for me, and yet I've let myself gain all this weight.

I will say, however, that bread, cheese, pizza, pasta, chips, french fries, etc. really get me.


When I was in high school, I checked in every class to see if I was the fattest person there. It was an all girls school.

I was glad that I was the second fattest person in every class.

It never got me anywhere. Was I trying to convince myself it wasn't that bad since there was someone fatter?

Saturday, July 11, 2009


I got back on my Wii fit today for the first time a month.

While I was working out, doing the advanced step aerobics, I remembered going to my mom's step class when I was about 12. It was at the YMCA. I remember all the activities I was in - soccer, racquetball, nautilus strength training...and I remembered vividly how I thought each one of those would be the answer to my weight problems. I was so optimistic. I had forgotten about that. I would be there do the strength training circuit machines and I fantasized about the kids at school being blown away but how good I looked. I was in middle school.

It some senses it's a sweet memory but it also makes me sad. So much of my youth was consumed by feeling fat. What a waste. I think it only made me fatter. I wasted a growth spurt that had actually thinned me out a nice amount. Now I'm obese.

P.S. I lost 4 lbs in the last 6 days.

Friday, July 10, 2009

How did I get here?

I always thought those people you see on Discovery Health who way 800 lbs are nuts - how did they let that happen? Wouldn't you get to 500 and be like "hmm...maybe I should turn this train around?"

I was wrong and I am ashamed for thinking those thoughts. I also shouldn't be judging other people when I am obese.

I got a taste of my own medicine. I gained weight and fast and I was on track to keep gaining and gaining. I couldn't see it. I could only tell in pictures. My eyes looking in the mirror hadn't adjusted to how I was really looking. I also remember watching the first season of Celebrity Fit Club and at the time, Mia Tyler weighed about 5lbs more than me but I thought she looked waaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger. That couldn't be - we're similar heights. I couldn't see it on me.

I need to prepare for this in reverse, too. So many folks lose the weight and they still see their fat self. There I was, pushing 250 and I saw 220. It may sound nice, but I still thought I was fat (just not that fat) and it was leading me to gain more weight.


I'm not going to lie- I've recycled this post from a comment I left on another blog. I like what I wrote, though, I decided to make it it's own post on my blog.

I always thought "why bother trying to look nice?" because nothing could make up for being fat.

If you're watching TLC, watch "What Not to Wear." They tell all the heavy women not to put their life off until they are thing.

When I put on a nice outfit and do my makeup, I feel like a million bucks. When I see woman bigger than me who you can see care about their appearance - the outfits are sharp, their hair is done, their make-up is flawless - I think they look amazing.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I know, I know

Things will get better. I run on here and when I am angry at DH. That's been about twice in the last 12 months.

I really like how in Bridget Jones Diary, at the end (SPOILER ALERT) when Mr. Darcy leaves her in her underwear to get her a new diary, he acknowledges that diaries are all crap. They serve a purpose.

I never run on here to gush about how wonderful DH is.

Maybe it's because I think there is more solidarity in misery than in happiness. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into things. Maybe it's just that when things are great, I have lots of people to tell, and when things aren't, I don't have anyone to talk about it. In the human world (as opposed to computer world) I am much more tight-lipped about the day to day unpleastantries. Maybe I would feel better if I got these things out more.

I had just made up my mind to be angry forever and then Lisa gave me my first blog comment.

So here we go...I can do this.


So here I am. I have been on track for four days and I get in a screaming fight with DH.

I see three options:
a) binge to make myself feel worse
b) starve to be stubborn and try to gain a feeling of control
c) carry on like nothing happened, count my points, and die a little inside

It looks like its going to be C.

I've already beat myself up, literally, so I might as well do the rational thing.

If I go with C, at least if things get bad enough, I will be thin enough for someone else to love me.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Three Days In A Row!

I have been on track for three days. I was so good today, I had enough points to eat two homemade cookies. YUM!


I got excited for a second thinking I had a reader because one of my posts had a comment.

Then I saw I wrote the comment.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009


I totally blew it over the holiday weekend, but I am back on track.

I am so sick of being fat. I gained my last bit of weight so fast that it hasn't registered and pictures horrify me.

I stayed on track today and I even exercised. Today is the new first day of the rest of my life.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

New Leaf

It's July 1, the year is half over. I am getting on the wagon.

I am going to do Weight Watchers, off the books. I'm not joining up. I have a grasp of the program from some books a friend gave me. She did it, quit, rejoined, and gave me her old set of materials, her calculator, etc. I started doing the program myself.

Honestly, it is the only conscious diet that has ever worked for me. I did it awhile ago and lost weight - I don't know why I ever stopped. I never got to my ideal weight. So here I go, back on. I did it today and I am really proud of my self control. I'm not hungry - I just stopped myself from eating past the point of full.

I really like WW - it's like a game for me. I think it's kind of fun. I feel like I am being challenged - like it's a dare. It's way better than counting calories - it's about picking the right foods.

So it begins. It is July 1, 2009. I weigh 229 pounds - about 15 lbs less than my heaviest weight.

I have never admitted to my weight - I under report it when I give blood. The only time another soul has known my actual weight is in a doctor's office.

This is a big step for me - accepting my weight and acknowledging it semi-publicly. (Semi because the blog is anonymous and I don't know that I have ANY readers.)

Here it goes...