Saturday, May 31, 2008


I've noticed that lots of my headings are questions. What is up with that?

I wonder if that says something about me - that I'm not sure of myself. Maybe I'm just bad at coming up with headings. It's not that easy.

Oh gosh, I feel so pathetic. I need to stop blogging about blogging.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Big O

I've never told anyone this. My partner knows because I never fake it. I've never had an orgasm.

I enjoy sex, I really do. I like it and I want it. It feels good but I haven't had an orgasm. They always say that if you have to ask, you haven't had one.

I think it's all in my head. I think orgasms are 90% mental - at least for women. I have several theories for why and I think they all interact.

1) Religious upbringing. I always thought as long as I didn't come, it wouldn't be a sin.
2) Trust. I think it would feel really vulnerable and while I trust my husband completely...well, maybe I don't. There is something holding me back and I don't know if it's because he thinks this is my problem to solve or if it has to do with things outside out sex life.
3) Weight. I think I'm subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, unconvinced that I'm attractive and I can't feel completely relaxed.

Every time I see a television show where the topic comes up, I feel better, like I'm not so alone. Other women are in the same boat - many many woman. Anyone out there?

Thursday, May 22, 2008


I started this blog to try to connect with people and share myself with people anonymously in away I otherwise could not.

It's more difficult than I thought. I do not feel like I am connecting with anyone or that anyone reads this. It's undermining my desire to post. I'm starting to understand why so many people began and gave up.

Maybe I shouldn't give up so soon - maybe it will be five years before anyone reads this. Maybe it will be never. I guess I'll keep going. Maybe the fact that no one is reading it will make it easier to post. I kept thinking, "what if someone I know reads this and knows that it is me?" I keep another blog and I wanted to make sure I don't say anything that could identify me - post similar events on similar days. I think I'm being paranoid.

I am starting to think this blog isn't even interesting. Maybe there is nothing special about my story. I'm just another fat girl.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

What is wrong with me?

I wasn't even hungry. I think I'm just dehydrated. I skipped the yogurt and granola and went for tortilla chips and salsa con queso. Before I knew it, both the jar of dip and the bag of chips was more than half empty. I just zoned out eating. I'm mad at myself. I shouldn't eat straight from the containers, I should have used a bowl and counted out some chips.

Is this self-sabotage? Am I worried that someone might find me attractive?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Who Am I?

I started out thinking this would be the place for me to be brutally honest and say things I would never say without the comfort of anonymity. However, it did not take me long to decide what things I would conceal and what things I would not. I was thinking I would conceal the fact that I am in a relationship. I don't know, maybe I thought it would make me more interesting or more pitiable or make fat girls feel like they could relate better. I guess that was presumptuous.

Fat girls come in all walks of life. I'm married. I am really happily married. I am completely in love with my husband and he with me. No kids, we're young yet. We've been married three years.

The big girl blogs have all been about terrible marriages or the singles. I guess I thought more fat girls would like me if I gave the illusion of singleness. It's so easy to hate people who are happy. I am happy. Please don't hate me.

It still gets lonely being fat. I don't want to burden my husband with my dissatisfaction with myself. He loves me just the way I am. However, I can't help feeling insecure about my body. He thinks I am sexy but he also thinks skinny girls are sexy.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Bottomless Pit

I've recently started paying attention to when I am full. It happens way sooner than I would expect. It's really amazing how little food it takes to make me full. Why have I been eating so much?

Being hungry is an incredible thing. I know I've gone months and months before without ever feeling hungry. How terrible is that?

I gained 65 lbs in five years. I weigh about ten less than I did at my peak (a couple months ago.) I haven't been trying to do anything - I am just paying more attention to what I eat and when I am full but I'm not denying myself anything or starving. I've also started walking. It's so invigorating!

Even though weight loss is always on my mind, I try to entice myself to exercise for other reasons: like longer, look younger, be active longer, increase bone density, boost immune system... I am terrified of aging. I don't want to look old or feel old - like my body is aging and can't accomplish things.

I am also afraid of wasting my youth being fat and missing out the time in my life when I have the most potential to be beautiful. If I lose weight when I'm older, it won't be the same as if I had been young and thin.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Weight Loss Journeys

I've noticed that a lot of the other big girl blogs are about a weight loss journey. This is not. I may or may not lose weight. Of course I would like to. I like to say I'm motivated by health reasons but really I want to look different. Actually, I want to look how I imagine myself looking. I don't recognize myself. The way I look is not how I picture myself.

There are a couple moments in the decent to fatness that were signs I wish I heeded. While I have always been fat, I've never been this fat before.

Awhile ago, I don't know, maybe two years ago, I notice that the fat roll on my back got big enough to touch my back; I could feel my fat rolls touching.

The other big wake-up was sometimes in the past year. I was on an airplane and my thighs and hips squished out into the seat next to me. I couldn't really put down the arm rest. That had never happened before. I started noticing that other seats were snug, too. That's a whole new level of fatness. It's not just about wanting to wear cute clothes. I want to have a normal life. I want to fit in chairs.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Why am I here?

I'm trying to figure out why I started this blog. I think I'm hoping to connect with other fat girls. Being a fat girl can be lonely and I even have a hard time talking about it with other real life fat girl friends. It's awkward and I get embarrassed. I don't like admitting to people that I think I am fat. What's more unattractive that a fat girl who knows she is fat? I don't know if that's why I don't admit it... I think it's more because if I acknowledge it, then people will expect me to change it. I think people will just say to themselves, "If you're unhappy, then lose weight, fatty."

It's not that easy. I'm not sure why. However, one day I did realize that being fat is part of my identity and if I did somehow manage to lose all the weight, I wouldn't be myself anymore. I've always been fat.* Food and losing weight and being overweight are always on my mind. If I wasn't far, who would I be? What would I think about? The bigger concern is what if I lose all the weight and I still feel fat? What if it doesn't make me happy? Not too long ago (four years) I weighed about fifty pounds less, and I still felt fat. I could fit into a Size 14 at that point. It didn't look good, but I could fit. A lot happened in those four years, but I can always write about that later.

Sometimes I think about trying to lose weight just for me. I imagine that I lose weight and then start dressing in layers so people still think I'm fat. They might see the weight loss in my face but maybe I could fool them. Then again, I think all the fun of being thin would be in the clothes.

After a little more searching, I've found a couple active fat girl blogs. I'm pretty excited about it and hope those girls keep posting. There are links to their blogs on the side.

*I've always thought I was fat and I remember the first time someone told me I was fat. (E.M. in second grade. We were lining up at the end of the day and she just said point blank, "You're fat." I shoved her. I didn't know what else to do and I wasn't expecting it. She was rail thin. However, I look back at pictures of myself in high school and I don't think I was fat. I spent all that time thinking I was. I don't know if I really wasn't fat or if I just wasn't fat compared to know. (There's about an 70 lbs difference between me in high school and me now.) Then again, I think its just that one picture in which I didn't look fat. I look fat in all my other pictures. But maybe there was a brief moment when I wasn't fat but I didn't appreciate it. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have kept gaining weight.