Back on Track

Ok, I just decided to do it and be better. I've been good so far today. I am keeping track, at least, which is a big step forward.

It just happened. I haven't gained too much since the post before my last post, but I have gained back the 10 lbs I lost when I was on a roll this summer.

I am disappointed in myself.

IDK

I don't know what is going on. It's as if the part of my life where I wanted to lose weight never existed. I'm scared to find out that I am gaining weight. What is happening? I don't know what is going on. I am just eating what I want to eat and I'm not thinking about it.

It's actually kind of nice to not think about what I am eating, but this is no good for the long term. I could end up 300lbs.

I am not even trying. I used to always have these little things that I thought would make all the difference - using only mustard on a burger, no ketchup (30 calorie savings?), not putting butter on anything (that probably does add up, but on its own won't accomplish much). Now I am using ketchup and butter with wild abandon!

This isn't me. What is happening?

What the what?

I feel like throwing in the towel. I don't know why. My enthusiasm has waned and I don't know what to do.

I am disgusted with how I look but I am not doing anything about it. I didn't start dieting again on Tuesday like I said I would. I don't know why. Am I just too lazy? I don't feel like measuring but I also don't feel like staying fat. Then again, is not being fat even possible?

I don't know.

New routine

So the summer has ended and my schedule is totally different. Instead of the same thing M-F, I have a wildly varying schedule day to day. There needs to be a lot more planning on my part as I will be have two meals away from home a couple days a week. I've never been one to eat out when I can bring my own lunch/dinner, so I just have to stay on top of things and keep stuff handy that I can easily grab in the morning.

Here goes!

Letting it all hang out

So I am almost always sucking my stomach in. I live in a near constant state of contracted abdominal muscles. (As a result, I think I have a 4 or 6 pack under all this flab, if only I could see it...I can see the top two muscles...)

Anyway, every once in a blue moon, I will let it all out put pretend I am pushing it out (but I am really just relaxed) and make some comment to my husband like, "This is what I really look like." He frowns at me, thinking I am being mean to myself and said, "Stop it baby, no you don't."

I do. I do. I do. It is what I look like and he doesn't know it.

Completely Off

So I am totally off the wagon. I haven't been binging or going crazy - but I have been eating and not keeping track. I'm only eating when I am hungry. However, I am susceptible to eating just because I think something will go to waste. I cringe when I read other people's blogs about overcoming temptation by throwing a whole plate of cupcakes in the garbage or something like that. My mom was really neurotic about wasting food and it's ingrained in me. Since we are doing two CSA's and I just signed up for a bread-share (local bread baked in a field), we have a steady supply of perishable food coming in that we need to stay on top of. I am also trying to do a fridge cleanse (I did one a couple months ago) where I try to reduce the number of condiments and storage containers by consuming the contents.

Anyway, so all this off the waggon business has resulted in 5lb gain in the last month. I was actually realieve that it was only 5lbs but now that I think about it, that is pretty horrible. That would be the equivalent of 60lbs a year. That is not the road I want to be on.

So, I am resolving that starting after labor day (we have a family picnic! I know it's wrong but I am doing it anyway) I am back on the wagon!