Holiday Cliche

It's the holidays and I risk jeopardizing everything that I came so easily to me.

I am so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just got in a fight with my husband. He can be such a jerk!

I can spend hours on something and it means nothing to him. He throws it in the garbage. I do things for him and I have to solicit a thank you. He won't get a job but he insists on wasting money, like throwing away food I just cooked for him. I would have eaten it if he didn't want. So much food went into that meal and he just threw it away. It makes me want to cry. He knew how much it would upset me, too.

I don't know why he does this. He's been really bad lately. He used to be so nice.

Old Ways

I feel my self slipping into old ways. I'm back around my partner in crime and even though he is actually staying on top of things, I am not. I kind of am. I haven't been really keeping track of what I eat though. I do really well when I keep track using the Weight Watchers points system. I see results. It's the only time I've seen results while at home and living my regular life. I need to get it together or I'm going to gain back those 20lbs. I had already forgotten it was 20 and had been thinking of it as ten. Maybe I'll be re-energized knowing I've made more progress than I've realized. I better way myself and make sure it's not just 10 now.

Control Issues

It should be noted that what I believe to be one of the factors in losing weight while I was abroad is my control issues. In addition to all the exercise and healthy food, I had someone who was always telling me to eat. I can't handle that. I don't want someone telling me what to do. The more I was told to eat, the less I would eat. Much to my surprise, I was still full. I ate the tiniest amounts of food and they filled me up. It was a really good lesson in how much I really need to eat.

I overeat and I know it. Try it sometime. Just pay really close attention to whether or not you're hungry anymore. You'll amaze yourself at how little food it can take.

Anyway, I'm going to try to lose another 20 lbs. Then 20 more after that, and if I lose another 20, I'll weigh what I weighed freshman year of high school. I thought I was fat then. I did weight a lot more than most of my friends. I still do.

20 lbs.

I lost 20 lbs sometimes in the last few months. I'm not exactly sure how - I wasn't doing any crazy dieting. I did try to be a little more aware of what I ate and I probably ate better because I was away from my partner - who has terrible eating habits. So now I'm 20lbs lighter than I was at my heaviest but I still weigh almost 50 lbs more than I did five years ago. However, five years ago was my all time low - I was living in another country, walking a million miles a day, and eating a lot less.

Old Pictures

I was looking at some old pictures of myself - from just three or four years ago.

I can't believe how much weight I've gained. I thought I was fat then but I look back and I don't think I was so fat afterall. I wasted all that time thinking I was fat. I have no doubt that thinking I was fat then has helped me get fatter now.

I feel the same way about pics from high school. I wasn't fat and I wasted all those years thinking I was. If I hadn't thougth I was fat then, I wouldn't be as fat now. It's a cycle. Once I get down on myselfd I sabotage.

I need to start feeling good about myself. How do I do that without losing weight? Yet, trying to lose weight will only make me feel bad.

Author?

Maybe I should write a book about a fat girl.

As soon as I thought about that I started to wonder I really emobdy fatgirlism. I was more in the throes of it when I was in high school. Now, I wish I was thinner and healthier and more beautiful, but it doesn't consume me like it once did.

Maybe I'm just in a good mood.

Maybe it's just been to long since I went clothes shopping...

Books

There should be a list of books about fat girls. Maybe there is.

Here is my very short one:

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland
Nothing's Fair in Fifth Grade by Barthe DeClements

The last one has a fat girl but she's not the narrator or protagonist. The other two star women and their weight is a part of their indentity and part of the book. Here is the weird thing: both those books are written by men. They seem to hit the mark, though. I wonder what kind of research they did.

I am in search of a book about a fat girl or woman written by a woman.

I wonder...

You know how when you meet someone that isn't that attractive but you get to know them and they become more attractive?

Also, if you meet someone you think is beautiful, as you get to know them you learn they aren't a nice person and they no longer look pretty to you.

Can that happen with ourselves? If I start to like myself or I'm feeling good, do I see myself differently than when I'm down?

Nakedness.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my body, but only in person. I still cringe when I see photos. I don't look like that when I look at myself in the mirror. I think I look OK in real life but disgusting in pictures.

I can't tell if I'm losing weight and actually do look better or if something inside is changing and I'm feeling more accepting of myself.

I think part of might be that I think that someone likes me and the fact that that person could like me looking how I am makes me think I might be able to, too. I mean likes me likes me.

Blog Culture

Do all people abandon their blogs or just fat girls?

I've haven't really researched the topic but I did research fat girl blogs.

I bet everyone gets that idea, "How quaint! I'll begin blogging!" Then it ends.

Do we lost interest? Or is it too depressing to realize how uninteresting we find ourselves to be?

I think about giving up but I don't do it in case I'm letting someone down. I found other people to be interesting even though they thought they were boring.

We have to few opportunities to get inside other peoples' heads and see if there is anything in common that we can relate to. I just want to know if other fat girls think like me. I figured it would only be fair to share how I think.

Control Issues

People always talk about eating disorders as control issues. It is definitely true. The only time I was ever able to really lose weight was when I had someone telling me to eat. I was too stubborn. I need that now.

The biggest frustration about being overweight, for me, is that it is a glaring reminder that I do not have control over myself. Being thing and toned isn't so much about beauty as it is having to power to manipulate the appearance of my own body through sheer determination.

Being completely in control of myself - now that is beautiful.

Reason for the Season

I want to try to embody better reasons to lose weight. Maybe more motivation will come from there. However, those never seem to be enough. As much as I tell myself that exercise increases bone density, boosts immune system, give you energy, releases endorphins, makes you live longer - its not enough to motivate me.

I want to live forever. Ok, not quite. What I mean is that I want to be healthy and active in my old age. I want to be one of those 80 year olds who can still run and jump and get around and be independent. They amaze me. I don't want to get creaky and decrepit. I don't mind being wrinkled and all that (I mean at 70, I will mind at 50). I just want to be able to move. I want that for my partner, too, but it's not looking so good. I am terrified that he will die young because he's not that healthy either. I will never forgive him if he dies prematurely as a direct result of his lifestyle.

Anyhow, those reasons I just mentioned still aren't enough to actually make me do it. What really will motivate me, if and when it motivates me, is being thin, beautiful, and being able to wear better clothes. Is that shallow? I just want to be normal and have fun. I don't want to have to buy jeans so often because they wear out where my thighs rub together. I don't want people to look at me and think "should she really be eating french fries?" Fat girls can't win on that front because people will think something if you just get a salad, too.

I want to try to lose weight without anyone knowing I am trying. That way, if I fail, no one knows. Also, people are even worse about that "you're getting ice cream?" shit. Of course, it kind of sets me up to fail because I can do it without anyone giving me grief. It's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Fat girls not blogging

Maybe I should stop fixating on this but what is it about fat girls that makes them give up on their blogs so easily. I only found one girl that was actively blogging since I started my blog and it looks as if will fall to the side like all the other fatty blogs.

There has to be something about fat girls. I felt the same way about this blog. Despite starting out with the outrage about girls who just give up on their blogs, after about a week I felt like I was losing interest. Maybe it was because talking about being fat is so foreign and can be uncomfortable. Part of me started to wonder why it mattered, no one was reading it. Perhaps its just the self-esteem which is usually part of being a large parcel. We start to think we're not good enough or not important enough for people to care what we think.

I've really be posting out of a sheer desire to not be one of those girls who just gives up on her blog. That's it. That's the only thing keeping me going and someone responds to one of my posts, it will continue to be the only thing.

This post felt therapeutic - maybe a few more of these and I will find some more motivation. That would be preferable. I cannot rely of validation from other people. I can't let whether or not someone appreciates me be my reason for continuing. I need to see this as something I do for myself.

Maybe that is where girls get sabotaged losing weight as well. We do it for someone else. We do it some someone will be our friend, our lover, so a stranger will think we are beautiful, to show that person who was mean to us, revenge...so many terrible reasons.

How many fat girls can honestly say the only want to lose weight for themselves?

Fat Check

So if I am in a new place or with a new group or sometimes just when I enter a room - I do a fat check.

I check to see if I am the fattest person or fattest woman in the room. I don't think it has happened yet. Maybe I only think to do it when I see someone fatter than me. Maybe I've just been lucky. I did it in high school, I would check every class to see if I was the fattest girl in the class. I don't remember ever thinking I was, which is a surprise to me. Off the top of my head, I can only remember about five girls in my graduating class who were in fact fatter than me. I guess I always had one of them in my class...

Other Fat Girl Tales

Someone should compile a list of fat girl literature. Maybe someone already has. Perhaps I will spend this summer seeking out books about fat girls. Here is my list so far:

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland

I wonder if there are fat girl books that are actually written by women. I wonder why it is that a man would want to write a book in the first person about a fat girl...

Food for Thought

I think a good measure of my progress will be when I stop thinking about food.

I think about food constantly. I think about what I am going to eat, what I want to eat, what I have in the fridge, what I need to buy from the grocery store, where I would go out to eat if I ever went out to eat. I am just always thinking about food.

I know I'm not the only one. What do other people think about?

Headings

I've noticed that lots of my headings are questions. What is up with that?

I wonder if that says something about me - that I'm not sure of myself. Maybe I'm just bad at coming up with headings. It's not that easy.

Oh gosh, I feel so pathetic. I need to stop blogging about blogging.

The Big O

I've never told anyone this. My partner knows because I never fake it. I've never had an orgasm.

I enjoy sex, I really do. I like it and I want it. It feels good but I haven't had an orgasm. They always say that if you have to ask, you haven't had one.

I think it's all in my head. I think orgasms are 90% mental - at least for women. I have several theories for why and I think they all interact.

1) Religious upbringing. I always thought as long as I didn't come, it wouldn't be a sin.
2) Trust. I think it would feel really vulnerable and while I trust my husband completely...well, maybe I don't. There is something holding me back and I don't know if it's because he thinks this is my problem to solve or if it has to do with things outside out sex life.
3) Weight. I think I'm subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, unconvinced that I'm attractive and I can't feel completely relaxed.

Every time I see a television show where the topic comes up, I feel better, like I'm not so alone. Other women are in the same boat - many many woman. Anyone out there?

Loneliness

I started this blog to try to connect with people and share myself with people anonymously in away I otherwise could not.

It's more difficult than I thought. I do not feel like I am connecting with anyone or that anyone reads this. It's undermining my desire to post. I'm starting to understand why so many people began and gave up.

Maybe I shouldn't give up so soon - maybe it will be five years before anyone reads this. Maybe it will be never. I guess I'll keep going. Maybe the fact that no one is reading it will make it easier to post. I kept thinking, "what if someone I know reads this and knows that it is me?" I keep another blog and I wanted to make sure I don't say anything that could identify me - post similar events on similar days. I think I'm being paranoid.

I am starting to think this blog isn't even interesting. Maybe there is nothing special about my story. I'm just another fat girl.

What is wrong with me?

I wasn't even hungry. I think I'm just dehydrated. I skipped the yogurt and granola and went for tortilla chips and salsa con queso. Before I knew it, both the jar of dip and the bag of chips was more than half empty. I just zoned out eating. I'm mad at myself. I shouldn't eat straight from the containers, I should have used a bowl and counted out some chips.

Is this self-sabotage? Am I worried that someone might find me attractive?

Who Am I?

I started out thinking this would be the place for me to be brutally honest and say things I would never say without the comfort of anonymity. However, it did not take me long to decide what things I would conceal and what things I would not. I was thinking I would conceal the fact that I am in a relationship. I don't know, maybe I thought it would make me more interesting or more pitiable or make fat girls feel like they could relate better. I guess that was presumptuous.

Fat girls come in all walks of life. I'm married. I am really happily married. I am completely in love with my husband and he with me. No kids, we're young yet. We've been married three years.

The big girl blogs have all been about terrible marriages or the singles. I guess I thought more fat girls would like me if I gave the illusion of singleness. It's so easy to hate people who are happy. I am happy. Please don't hate me.

It still gets lonely being fat. I don't want to burden my husband with my dissatisfaction with myself. He loves me just the way I am. However, I can't help feeling insecure about my body. He thinks I am sexy but he also thinks skinny girls are sexy.

Bottomless Pit

I've recently started paying attention to when I am full. It happens way sooner than I would expect. It's really amazing how little food it takes to make me full. Why have I been eating so much?

Being hungry is an incredible thing. I know I've gone months and months before without ever feeling hungry. How terrible is that?

I gained 65 lbs in five years. I weigh about ten less than I did at my peak (a couple months ago.) I haven't been trying to do anything - I am just paying more attention to what I eat and when I am full but I'm not denying myself anything or starving. I've also started walking. It's so invigorating!

Even though weight loss is always on my mind, I try to entice myself to exercise for other reasons: like longer, look younger, be active longer, increase bone density, boost immune system... I am terrified of aging. I don't want to look old or feel old - like my body is aging and can't accomplish things.

I am also afraid of wasting my youth being fat and missing out the time in my life when I have the most potential to be beautiful. If I lose weight when I'm older, it won't be the same as if I had been young and thin.

Weight Loss Journeys

I've noticed that a lot of the other big girl blogs are about a weight loss journey. This is not. I may or may not lose weight. Of course I would like to. I like to say I'm motivated by health reasons but really I want to look different. Actually, I want to look how I imagine myself looking. I don't recognize myself. The way I look is not how I picture myself.

There are a couple moments in the decent to fatness that were signs I wish I heeded. While I have always been fat, I've never been this fat before.

Awhile ago, I don't know, maybe two years ago, I notice that the fat roll on my back got big enough to touch my back; I could feel my fat rolls touching.

The other big wake-up was sometimes in the past year. I was on an airplane and my thighs and hips squished out into the seat next to me. I couldn't really put down the arm rest. That had never happened before. I started noticing that other seats were snug, too. That's a whole new level of fatness. It's not just about wanting to wear cute clothes. I want to have a normal life. I want to fit in chairs.

Why am I here?

I'm trying to figure out why I started this blog. I think I'm hoping to connect with other fat girls. Being a fat girl can be lonely and I even have a hard time talking about it with other real life fat girl friends. It's awkward and I get embarrassed. I don't like admitting to people that I think I am fat. What's more unattractive that a fat girl who knows she is fat? I don't know if that's why I don't admit it... I think it's more because if I acknowledge it, then people will expect me to change it. I think people will just say to themselves, "If you're unhappy, then lose weight, fatty."

It's not that easy. I'm not sure why. However, one day I did realize that being fat is part of my identity and if I did somehow manage to lose all the weight, I wouldn't be myself anymore. I've always been fat.* Food and losing weight and being overweight are always on my mind. If I wasn't far, who would I be? What would I think about? The bigger concern is what if I lose all the weight and I still feel fat? What if it doesn't make me happy? Not too long ago (four years) I weighed about fifty pounds less, and I still felt fat. I could fit into a Size 14 at that point. It didn't look good, but I could fit. A lot happened in those four years, but I can always write about that later.

Sometimes I think about trying to lose weight just for me. I imagine that I lose weight and then start dressing in layers so people still think I'm fat. They might see the weight loss in my face but maybe I could fool them. Then again, I think all the fun of being thin would be in the clothes.

After a little more searching, I've found a couple active fat girl blogs. I'm pretty excited about it and hope those girls keep posting. There are links to their blogs on the side.

*I've always thought I was fat and I remember the first time someone told me I was fat. (E.M. in second grade. We were lining up at the end of the day and she just said point blank, "You're fat." I shoved her. I didn't know what else to do and I wasn't expecting it. She was rail thin. However, I look back at pictures of myself in high school and I don't think I was fat. I spent all that time thinking I was. I don't know if I really wasn't fat or if I just wasn't fat compared to know. (There's about an 70 lbs difference between me in high school and me now.) Then again, I think its just that one picture in which I didn't look fat. I look fat in all my other pictures. But maybe there was a brief moment when I wasn't fat but I didn't appreciate it. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have kept gaining weight.

Fat Girl Tale: The Beginning

I've spent some time typing in different blog addresses along the fat girl theme..."fatgirl.blogspot," "fatchick.blogspot," "fatgirlstory.blogspot" and the like. All the blogs I found were pretty old and hadn't been updated in five years or more and few had even three posts. The most recent one I could find was "blogofafatgirl.blogspot." However, like many of the others, it only had one post. So, this is my contribution to the world of fatgirl blogs. Hopefully it will have more consistency and if at least one girl reads it, then its a success. Even if no one does, I hope it will be therapeutic for me.

Nothing came up when I put in "fatgirltale." I wasn't sure if I wanted it at first. I looked up "tale" and dictionary.com. What I found was:

–noun

1.	a narrative that relates the details of some real or imaginary event, incident, or case; story: a tale about Lincoln's dog.

2.	a literary composition having the form of such a narrative.

3.	a falsehood; lie.

4.	a rumor or piece of gossip, often malicious or untrue.

5.	the full number or amount.

6.	Archaic. enumeration; count.

7.	Obsolete. talk; discourse.

I decided it was really appropriate. This will in fact be a narrative. Ever since I was a little fat girl, I dreamed about writing my autobiography. I got to a point where I decided I never wanted my family to know the real story of my life and that I would publish my life story under a pseudonym and while it would be entirely true, I would want it filed under "fiction."

So here is my story, all true but with a fake name, for you to read like literature, not history.