Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Reason for the Season

I want to try to embody better reasons to lose weight. Maybe more motivation will come from there. However, those never seem to be enough. As much as I tell myself that exercise increases bone density, boosts immune system, give you energy, releases endorphins, makes you live longer - its not enough to motivate me.

I want to live forever. Ok, not quite. What I mean is that I want to be healthy and active in my old age. I want to be one of those 80 year olds who can still run and jump and get around and be independent. They amaze me. I don't want to get creaky and decrepit. I don't mind being wrinkled and all that (I mean at 70, I will mind at 50). I just want to be able to move. I want that for my partner, too, but it's not looking so good. I am terrified that he will die young because he's not that healthy either. I will never forgive him if he dies prematurely as a direct result of his lifestyle.

Anyhow, those reasons I just mentioned still aren't enough to actually make me do it. What really will motivate me, if and when it motivates me, is being thin, beautiful, and being able to wear better clothes. Is that shallow? I just want to be normal and have fun. I don't want to have to buy jeans so often because they wear out where my thighs rub together. I don't want people to look at me and think "should she really be eating french fries?" Fat girls can't win on that front because people will think something if you just get a salad, too.

I want to try to lose weight without anyone knowing I am trying. That way, if I fail, no one knows. Also, people are even worse about that "you're getting ice cream?" shit. Of course, it kind of sets me up to fail because I can do it without anyone giving me grief. It's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.

No comments: