Friday, June 27, 2008

Control Issues

People always talk about eating disorders as control issues. It is definitely true. The only time I was ever able to really lose weight was when I had someone telling me to eat. I was too stubborn. I need that now.

The biggest frustration about being overweight, for me, is that it is a glaring reminder that I do not have control over myself. Being thing and toned isn't so much about beauty as it is having to power to manipulate the appearance of my own body through sheer determination.

Being completely in control of myself - now that is beautiful.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Reason for the Season

I want to try to embody better reasons to lose weight. Maybe more motivation will come from there. However, those never seem to be enough. As much as I tell myself that exercise increases bone density, boosts immune system, give you energy, releases endorphins, makes you live longer - its not enough to motivate me.

I want to live forever. Ok, not quite. What I mean is that I want to be healthy and active in my old age. I want to be one of those 80 year olds who can still run and jump and get around and be independent. They amaze me. I don't want to get creaky and decrepit. I don't mind being wrinkled and all that (I mean at 70, I will mind at 50). I just want to be able to move. I want that for my partner, too, but it's not looking so good. I am terrified that he will die young because he's not that healthy either. I will never forgive him if he dies prematurely as a direct result of his lifestyle.

Anyhow, those reasons I just mentioned still aren't enough to actually make me do it. What really will motivate me, if and when it motivates me, is being thin, beautiful, and being able to wear better clothes. Is that shallow? I just want to be normal and have fun. I don't want to have to buy jeans so often because they wear out where my thighs rub together. I don't want people to look at me and think "should she really be eating french fries?" Fat girls can't win on that front because people will think something if you just get a salad, too.

I want to try to lose weight without anyone knowing I am trying. That way, if I fail, no one knows. Also, people are even worse about that "you're getting ice cream?" shit. Of course, it kind of sets me up to fail because I can do it without anyone giving me grief. It's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Fat girls not blogging

Maybe I should stop fixating on this but what is it about fat girls that makes them give up on their blogs so easily. I only found one girl that was actively blogging since I started my blog and it looks as if will fall to the side like all the other fatty blogs.

There has to be something about fat girls. I felt the same way about this blog. Despite starting out with the outrage about girls who just give up on their blogs, after about a week I felt like I was losing interest. Maybe it was because talking about being fat is so foreign and can be uncomfortable. Part of me started to wonder why it mattered, no one was reading it. Perhaps its just the self-esteem which is usually part of being a large parcel. We start to think we're not good enough or not important enough for people to care what we think.

I've really be posting out of a sheer desire to not be one of those girls who just gives up on her blog. That's it. That's the only thing keeping me going and someone responds to one of my posts, it will continue to be the only thing.

This post felt therapeutic - maybe a few more of these and I will find some more motivation. That would be preferable. I cannot rely of validation from other people. I can't let whether or not someone appreciates me be my reason for continuing. I need to see this as something I do for myself.

Maybe that is where girls get sabotaged losing weight as well. We do it for someone else. We do it some someone will be our friend, our lover, so a stranger will think we are beautiful, to show that person who was mean to us, many terrible reasons.

How many fat girls can honestly say the only want to lose weight for themselves?

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Fat Check

So if I am in a new place or with a new group or sometimes just when I enter a room - I do a fat check.

I check to see if I am the fattest person or fattest woman in the room. I don't think it has happened yet. Maybe I only think to do it when I see someone fatter than me. Maybe I've just been lucky. I did it in high school, I would check every class to see if I was the fattest girl in the class. I don't remember ever thinking I was, which is a surprise to me. Off the top of my head, I can only remember about five girls in my graduating class who were in fact fatter than me. I guess I always had one of them in my class...

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Other Fat Girl Tales

Someone should compile a list of fat girl literature. Maybe someone already has. Perhaps I will spend this summer seeking out books about fat girls. Here is my list so far:

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland

I wonder if there are fat girl books that are actually written by women. I wonder why it is that a man would want to write a book in the first person about a fat girl...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Food for Thought

I think a good measure of my progress will be when I stop thinking about food.

I think about food constantly. I think about what I am going to eat, what I want to eat, what I have in the fridge, what I need to buy from the grocery store, where I would go out to eat if I ever went out to eat. I am just always thinking about food.

I know I'm not the only one. What do other people think about?