20 lbs.

I lost 20 lbs sometimes in the last few months. I'm not exactly sure how - I wasn't doing any crazy dieting. I did try to be a little more aware of what I ate and I probably ate better because I was away from my partner - who has terrible eating habits. So now I'm 20lbs lighter than I was at my heaviest but I still weigh almost 50 lbs more than I did five years ago. However, five years ago was my all time low - I was living in another country, walking a million miles a day, and eating a lot less.

Old Pictures

I was looking at some old pictures of myself - from just three or four years ago.

I can't believe how much weight I've gained. I thought I was fat then but I look back and I don't think I was so fat afterall. I wasted all that time thinking I was fat. I have no doubt that thinking I was fat then has helped me get fatter now.

I feel the same way about pics from high school. I wasn't fat and I wasted all those years thinking I was. If I hadn't thougth I was fat then, I wouldn't be as fat now. It's a cycle. Once I get down on myselfd I sabotage.

I need to start feeling good about myself. How do I do that without losing weight? Yet, trying to lose weight will only make me feel bad.