Thursday, May 1, 2008

Why am I here?

I'm trying to figure out why I started this blog. I think I'm hoping to connect with other fat girls. Being a fat girl can be lonely and I even have a hard time talking about it with other real life fat girl friends. It's awkward and I get embarrassed. I don't like admitting to people that I think I am fat. What's more unattractive that a fat girl who knows she is fat? I don't know if that's why I don't admit it... I think it's more because if I acknowledge it, then people will expect me to change it. I think people will just say to themselves, "If you're unhappy, then lose weight, fatty."

It's not that easy. I'm not sure why. However, one day I did realize that being fat is part of my identity and if I did somehow manage to lose all the weight, I wouldn't be myself anymore. I've always been fat.* Food and losing weight and being overweight are always on my mind. If I wasn't far, who would I be? What would I think about? The bigger concern is what if I lose all the weight and I still feel fat? What if it doesn't make me happy? Not too long ago (four years) I weighed about fifty pounds less, and I still felt fat. I could fit into a Size 14 at that point. It didn't look good, but I could fit. A lot happened in those four years, but I can always write about that later.

Sometimes I think about trying to lose weight just for me. I imagine that I lose weight and then start dressing in layers so people still think I'm fat. They might see the weight loss in my face but maybe I could fool them. Then again, I think all the fun of being thin would be in the clothes.

After a little more searching, I've found a couple active fat girl blogs. I'm pretty excited about it and hope those girls keep posting. There are links to their blogs on the side.

*I've always thought I was fat and I remember the first time someone told me I was fat. (E.M. in second grade. We were lining up at the end of the day and she just said point blank, "You're fat." I shoved her. I didn't know what else to do and I wasn't expecting it. She was rail thin. However, I look back at pictures of myself in high school and I don't think I was fat. I spent all that time thinking I was. I don't know if I really wasn't fat or if I just wasn't fat compared to know. (There's about an 70 lbs difference between me in high school and me now.) Then again, I think its just that one picture in which I didn't look fat. I look fat in all my other pictures. But maybe there was a brief moment when I wasn't fat but I didn't appreciate it. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have kept gaining weight.

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