(this is the post that was written for my public blog but will not appear there, not yet)
I feel like it's kind of awkward for people to watch an obese person obsess over food. It would be one thing if I had the anonymity of the blogosphere, but this is the blog that my family reads.
However, I think there are some things I need to accept. 1) Weight is not a suppressible characteristic. 2) Denial and avoidance won't change anything.
Since I don't see my family on a daily or weekly basis, I do wonder what folks think when they see me for the first time in months - how different I look from the last time and if they're worried about me.
I don't want to admit to people that I want to lose weight. I feel like it makes people look at you differently, judge all the food that goes in your mouth (which people do to fat people anyway), and it makes it worse when you fail. Everyone knows you don't have a grip on things.
I have control issues, no doubt. This is something I have yet to gain control of on a long term basis. The most useful thing for me would actually to be to have someone following me around and telling me to eat. I know because I've been in that situation and that's when I eat the least and when I really became aware of how little food it takes to become full.
Anyway, I'm not really sure where I am going with this but I thought it was something I should get off my chest. I can't even begin to explain how consuming my relationship with food can be. It's kind of a big deal.