Bummed

I just feel really down and hopeless today.

I don't know if it's weight related or not. I just feel overwhelmed.

I asked for it...

I had so much guilt about being successful with dieting while watching my peer bloggers struggle.

Now I've gained back all the wait I lost. Yesterday I binged on chips and dip, pizza, blue cheese, and desserts. Then I got home and ate a gigantic piece of pepperoni pizza with blue cheese (and I'm a vegetarian) mere moments before going to bed.

Today I woke up resolved to be better. I worked out on the Wii for 45 minutes, I had yogurt and a banana for breakfast. I was tracking my points and I felt good. However, we had brought home almost an entire pizza left over from the in-law dinner yesterday. I told myself I wouldn't eat it - that there were plenty of delicious and healthy foods I would have instead. Nope. I ate the pizza and more blue cheese and then a brownie. I've been eating all day.

Now I am upset about how much I ate but I am also worried about food in the fridge going to waste. I need to not eat it just because I think it will get wasted. I should only eat if I am hungry. I'd like to see that happen.

I feel so defeated. I also feel out of control of other areas of my life as well. I need to get a grip.

Back on Track

Ok, I just decided to do it and be better. I've been good so far today. I am keeping track, at least, which is a big step forward.

It just happened. I haven't gained too much since the post before my last post, but I have gained back the 10 lbs I lost when I was on a roll this summer.

I am disappointed in myself.

IDK

I don't know what is going on. It's as if the part of my life where I wanted to lose weight never existed. I'm scared to find out that I am gaining weight. What is happening? I don't know what is going on. I am just eating what I want to eat and I'm not thinking about it.

It's actually kind of nice to not think about what I am eating, but this is no good for the long term. I could end up 300lbs.

I am not even trying. I used to always have these little things that I thought would make all the difference - using only mustard on a burger, no ketchup (30 calorie savings?), not putting butter on anything (that probably does add up, but on its own won't accomplish much). Now I am using ketchup and butter with wild abandon!

This isn't me. What is happening?

What the what?

I feel like throwing in the towel. I don't know why. My enthusiasm has waned and I don't know what to do.

I am disgusted with how I look but I am not doing anything about it. I didn't start dieting again on Tuesday like I said I would. I don't know why. Am I just too lazy? I don't feel like measuring but I also don't feel like staying fat. Then again, is not being fat even possible?

I don't know.

New routine

So the summer has ended and my schedule is totally different. Instead of the same thing M-F, I have a wildly varying schedule day to day. There needs to be a lot more planning on my part as I will be have two meals away from home a couple days a week. I've never been one to eat out when I can bring my own lunch/dinner, so I just have to stay on top of things and keep stuff handy that I can easily grab in the morning.

Here goes!

Letting it all hang out

So I am almost always sucking my stomach in. I live in a near constant state of contracted abdominal muscles. (As a result, I think I have a 4 or 6 pack under all this flab, if only I could see it...I can see the top two muscles...)

Anyway, every once in a blue moon, I will let it all out put pretend I am pushing it out (but I am really just relaxed) and make some comment to my husband like, "This is what I really look like." He frowns at me, thinking I am being mean to myself and said, "Stop it baby, no you don't."

I do. I do. I do. It is what I look like and he doesn't know it.