Things will get better. I run on here and when I am angry at DH. That's been about twice in the last 12 months.
I really like how in Bridget Jones Diary, at the end (SPOILER ALERT) when Mr. Darcy leaves her in her underwear to get her a new diary, he acknowledges that diaries are all crap. They serve a purpose.
I never run on here to gush about how wonderful DH is.
Maybe it's because I think there is more solidarity in misery than in happiness. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into things. Maybe it's just that when things are great, I have lots of people to tell, and when things aren't, I don't have anyone to talk about it. In the human world (as opposed to computer world) I am much more tight-lipped about the day to day unpleastantries. Maybe I would feel better if I got these things out more.
I had just made up my mind to be angry forever and then Lisa gave me my first blog comment.
So here we go...I can do this.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Crossroads
So here I am. I have been on track for four days and I get in a screaming fight with DH.
I see three options:
a) binge to make myself feel worse
b) starve to be stubborn and try to gain a feeling of control
c) carry on like nothing happened, count my points, and die a little inside
It looks like its going to be C.
I've already beat myself up, literally, so I might as well do the rational thing.
If I go with C, at least if things get bad enough, I will be thin enough for someone else to love me.
I see three options:
a) binge to make myself feel worse
b) starve to be stubborn and try to gain a feeling of control
c) carry on like nothing happened, count my points, and die a little inside
It looks like its going to be C.
I've already beat myself up, literally, so I might as well do the rational thing.
If I go with C, at least if things get bad enough, I will be thin enough for someone else to love me.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Three Days In A Row!
I have been on track for three days. I was so good today, I had enough points to eat two homemade cookies. YUM!
Readers
I got excited for a second thinking I had a reader because one of my posts had a comment.
Then I saw I wrote the comment.
Then I saw I wrote the comment.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Holidays
I totally blew it over the holiday weekend, but I am back on track.
I am so sick of being fat. I gained my last bit of weight so fast that it hasn't registered and pictures horrify me.
I stayed on track today and I even exercised. Today is the new first day of the rest of my life.
I am so sick of being fat. I gained my last bit of weight so fast that it hasn't registered and pictures horrify me.
I stayed on track today and I even exercised. Today is the new first day of the rest of my life.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
New Leaf
It's July 1, the year is half over. I am getting on the wagon.
I am going to do Weight Watchers, off the books. I'm not joining up. I have a grasp of the program from some books a friend gave me. She did it, quit, rejoined, and gave me her old set of materials, her calculator, etc. I started doing the program myself.
Honestly, it is the only conscious diet that has ever worked for me. I did it awhile ago and lost weight - I don't know why I ever stopped. I never got to my ideal weight. So here I go, back on. I did it today and I am really proud of my self control. I'm not hungry - I just stopped myself from eating past the point of full.
I really like WW - it's like a game for me. I think it's kind of fun. I feel like I am being challenged - like it's a dare. It's way better than counting calories - it's about picking the right foods.
So it begins. It is July 1, 2009. I weigh 229 pounds - about 15 lbs less than my heaviest weight.
I have never admitted to my weight - I under report it when I give blood. The only time another soul has known my actual weight is in a doctor's office.
This is a big step for me - accepting my weight and acknowledging it semi-publicly. (Semi because the blog is anonymous and I don't know that I have ANY readers.)
Here it goes...
I am going to do Weight Watchers, off the books. I'm not joining up. I have a grasp of the program from some books a friend gave me. She did it, quit, rejoined, and gave me her old set of materials, her calculator, etc. I started doing the program myself.
Honestly, it is the only conscious diet that has ever worked for me. I did it awhile ago and lost weight - I don't know why I ever stopped. I never got to my ideal weight. So here I go, back on. I did it today and I am really proud of my self control. I'm not hungry - I just stopped myself from eating past the point of full.
I really like WW - it's like a game for me. I think it's kind of fun. I feel like I am being challenged - like it's a dare. It's way better than counting calories - it's about picking the right foods.
So it begins. It is July 1, 2009. I weigh 229 pounds - about 15 lbs less than my heaviest weight.
I have never admitted to my weight - I under report it when I give blood. The only time another soul has known my actual weight is in a doctor's office.
This is a big step for me - accepting my weight and acknowledging it semi-publicly. (Semi because the blog is anonymous and I don't know that I have ANY readers.)
Here it goes...
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Wii Fit
I got a Wii Fit a few months ago. I thought it would be great for tracking my weight over time, getting into yoga, strength training, losing weight, and offering a general alternative to eating or sitting on the couch.
Well I like it and it's fun. I started out using it every day, now it's less and less. My weight has been pretty steady of the few months I have had it, just going up and down between 226 and 219. I am glad that I've been able to maintain my 20lb loss from last summer, though I gained back the extra weight I had lost in the fall, 5 or so pounds. I really want to get below 200.
I am going to keep at it. I've been most playing games and doing less of the yoga and no strength training for awhile. I've been getting better about the aerobics. I like the top ten score list, it gives me a challenge and motivation to work towards something.
Anyway, I recommend it. It wasn't the magic bullet I hoped it would be, but it is good.
Well I like it and it's fun. I started out using it every day, now it's less and less. My weight has been pretty steady of the few months I have had it, just going up and down between 226 and 219. I am glad that I've been able to maintain my 20lb loss from last summer, though I gained back the extra weight I had lost in the fall, 5 or so pounds. I really want to get below 200.
I am going to keep at it. I've been most playing games and doing less of the yoga and no strength training for awhile. I've been getting better about the aerobics. I like the top ten score list, it gives me a challenge and motivation to work towards something.
Anyway, I recommend it. It wasn't the magic bullet I hoped it would be, but it is good.
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