New Leaf

It's July 1, the year is half over. I am getting on the wagon.

I am going to do Weight Watchers, off the books. I'm not joining up. I have a grasp of the program from some books a friend gave me. She did it, quit, rejoined, and gave me her old set of materials, her calculator, etc. I started doing the program myself.

Honestly, it is the only conscious diet that has ever worked for me. I did it awhile ago and lost weight - I don't know why I ever stopped. I never got to my ideal weight. So here I go, back on. I did it today and I am really proud of my self control. I'm not hungry - I just stopped myself from eating past the point of full.

I really like WW - it's like a game for me. I think it's kind of fun. I feel like I am being challenged - like it's a dare. It's way better than counting calories - it's about picking the right foods.

So it begins. It is July 1, 2009. I weigh 229 pounds - about 15 lbs less than my heaviest weight.

I have never admitted to my weight - I under report it when I give blood. The only time another soul has known my actual weight is in a doctor's office.

This is a big step for me - accepting my weight and acknowledging it semi-publicly. (Semi because the blog is anonymous and I don't know that I have ANY readers.)

Here it goes...

Wii Fit

I got a Wii Fit a few months ago. I thought it would be great for tracking my weight over time, getting into yoga, strength training, losing weight, and offering a general alternative to eating or sitting on the couch.

Well I like it and it's fun. I started out using it every day, now it's less and less. My weight has been pretty steady of the few months I have had it, just going up and down between 226 and 219. I am glad that I've been able to maintain my 20lb loss from last summer, though I gained back the extra weight I had lost in the fall, 5 or so pounds. I really want to get below 200.

I am going to keep at it. I've been most playing games and doing less of the yoga and no strength training for awhile. I've been getting better about the aerobics. I like the top ten score list, it gives me a challenge and motivation to work towards something.

Anyway, I recommend it. It wasn't the magic bullet I hoped it would be, but it is good.

Let's be clear...

I want to emphasize that this is not a diet blog. I was thinking about diet girl and how she made blogging about being fat into a career.

I haven't read her blog but her name says it all. It wasn't about being fat, it was about dieting. People are fine with hearing from fat people about being fat as long as what they are saying is that they want to be thin and are trying really hard and even better, spending money on the dieting industry.

Forget that. That's ridiculous. Why can't people just talk about being fat, how it feels, and what we think about.

No matter what I weight, and I still weigh a lot, I will always be a fat girl.

Anniversary

I can't believe I let my one year glob anniversary come and go. I thought I started this blog later, like July. I didn't know my first post was April 30.

Well hurray for me, keeping it up for one year when I have absolutely no readers. I will have to check soon to see if any of the blogs I link to have posted made it this far.

More food (for) thought...

(this is the post that was written for my public blog but will not appear there, not yet)

I feel like it's kind of awkward for people to watch an obese person obsess over food. It would be one thing if I had the anonymity of the blogosphere, but this is the blog that my family reads.
However, I think there are some things I need to accept. 1) Weight is not a suppressible characteristic. 2) Denial and avoidance won't change anything.

Since I don't see my family on a daily or weekly basis, I do wonder what folks think when they see me for the first time in months - how different I look from the last time and if they're worried about me.

I don't want to admit to people that I want to lose weight. I feel like it makes people look at you differently, judge all the food that goes in your mouth (which people do to fat people anyway), and it makes it worse when you fail. Everyone knows you don't have a grip on things.
I have control issues, no doubt. This is something I have yet to gain control of on a long term basis. The most useful thing for me would actually to be to have someone following me around and telling me to eat. I know because I've been in that situation and that's when I eat the least and when I really became aware of how little food it takes to become full.

Anyway, I'm not really sure where I am going with this but I thought it was something I should get off my chest. I can't even begin to explain how consuming my relationship with food can be. It's kind of a big deal.

Coming out as a fattie...

Obviously everyone can tell when someone is fat. However, not everyone can tell that a person constantly thinks about the fact that she is fat. Admitting that is a big deal.

This is like my secret life blog. I have a blog that I do share with my family. I thought I could come out to them - let them know I know I am fat, that I wonder what they think every time they see me, and that I wish I wasn't fat.

I couldn't do it. Not yet. Maybe I can. So here I am going to post that post here instead.

Food Relationships

I want to change my relationship with food. I think this blog can play a role. Maybe I can turn this into one of those food porn blogs. Then again, who does that help? I don't know.

I want a food porn blog but does that mean I should create a third blog? It seems a little over the top. How said is it that I feel I have to completely compartmentalize my life - that no one person can see every part? Not even my husband sees this part, and we are very close. I could tell him these thoughts but I don't think I could let him read them because I feel like that's more raw.

In any case, I want to change my relationship with food. I want to get excited about healthy foods and delicious complex foods. I get lazy when I cook and I need to stop that. I want to be more intenional about what I eat and think more about nourishing my body and less about satisfying some urge.

I have several strengths to capitalize one. First, I am not gaga for desserts. I more into salty things, so I don't have to worry about an eternal struggle with chocolate. Second, I am a vegetarian and I am lactose intolerant. I am going to use this as my motivation to give up cheese and other other dairy prducts - the number one calorie contributor in my life probably. After I give up dairy, it seems like I might as well take the plunge into veganism. That might be a few months off or it might happen more quickly than I think. I guess we will see.