20 lbs.

I lost 20 lbs sometimes in the last few months. I'm not exactly sure how - I wasn't doing any crazy dieting. I did try to be a little more aware of what I ate and I probably ate better because I was away from my partner - who has terrible eating habits. So now I'm 20lbs lighter than I was at my heaviest but I still weigh almost 50 lbs more than I did five years ago. However, five years ago was my all time low - I was living in another country, walking a million miles a day, and eating a lot less.

Old Pictures

I was looking at some old pictures of myself - from just three or four years ago.

I can't believe how much weight I've gained. I thought I was fat then but I look back and I don't think I was so fat afterall. I wasted all that time thinking I was fat. I have no doubt that thinking I was fat then has helped me get fatter now.

I feel the same way about pics from high school. I wasn't fat and I wasted all those years thinking I was. If I hadn't thougth I was fat then, I wouldn't be as fat now. It's a cycle. Once I get down on myselfd I sabotage.

I need to start feeling good about myself. How do I do that without losing weight? Yet, trying to lose weight will only make me feel bad.

Author?

Maybe I should write a book about a fat girl.

As soon as I thought about that I started to wonder I really emobdy fatgirlism. I was more in the throes of it when I was in high school. Now, I wish I was thinner and healthier and more beautiful, but it doesn't consume me like it once did.

Maybe I'm just in a good mood.

Maybe it's just been to long since I went clothes shopping...

Books

There should be a list of books about fat girls. Maybe there is.

Here is my very short one:

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland
Nothing's Fair in Fifth Grade by Barthe DeClements

The last one has a fat girl but she's not the narrator or protagonist. The other two star women and their weight is a part of their indentity and part of the book. Here is the weird thing: both those books are written by men. They seem to hit the mark, though. I wonder what kind of research they did.

I am in search of a book about a fat girl or woman written by a woman.

I wonder...

You know how when you meet someone that isn't that attractive but you get to know them and they become more attractive?

Also, if you meet someone you think is beautiful, as you get to know them you learn they aren't a nice person and they no longer look pretty to you.

Can that happen with ourselves? If I start to like myself or I'm feeling good, do I see myself differently than when I'm down?

Nakedness.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my body, but only in person. I still cringe when I see photos. I don't look like that when I look at myself in the mirror. I think I look OK in real life but disgusting in pictures.

I can't tell if I'm losing weight and actually do look better or if something inside is changing and I'm feeling more accepting of myself.

I think part of might be that I think that someone likes me and the fact that that person could like me looking how I am makes me think I might be able to, too. I mean likes me likes me.

Blog Culture

Do all people abandon their blogs or just fat girls?

I've haven't really researched the topic but I did research fat girl blogs.

I bet everyone gets that idea, "How quaint! I'll begin blogging!" Then it ends.

Do we lost interest? Or is it too depressing to realize how uninteresting we find ourselves to be?

I think about giving up but I don't do it in case I'm letting someone down. I found other people to be interesting even though they thought they were boring.

We have to few opportunities to get inside other peoples' heads and see if there is anything in common that we can relate to. I just want to know if other fat girls think like me. I figured it would only be fair to share how I think.