Author?

Maybe I should write a book about a fat girl.

As soon as I thought about that I started to wonder I really emobdy fatgirlism. I was more in the throes of it when I was in high school. Now, I wish I was thinner and healthier and more beautiful, but it doesn't consume me like it once did.

Maybe I'm just in a good mood.

Maybe it's just been to long since I went clothes shopping...

Books

There should be a list of books about fat girls. Maybe there is.

Here is my very short one:

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland
Nothing's Fair in Fifth Grade by Barthe DeClements

The last one has a fat girl but she's not the narrator or protagonist. The other two star women and their weight is a part of their indentity and part of the book. Here is the weird thing: both those books are written by men. They seem to hit the mark, though. I wonder what kind of research they did.

I am in search of a book about a fat girl or woman written by a woman.

I wonder...

You know how when you meet someone that isn't that attractive but you get to know them and they become more attractive?

Also, if you meet someone you think is beautiful, as you get to know them you learn they aren't a nice person and they no longer look pretty to you.

Can that happen with ourselves? If I start to like myself or I'm feeling good, do I see myself differently than when I'm down?

Nakedness.

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my body, but only in person. I still cringe when I see photos. I don't look like that when I look at myself in the mirror. I think I look OK in real life but disgusting in pictures.

I can't tell if I'm losing weight and actually do look better or if something inside is changing and I'm feeling more accepting of myself.

I think part of might be that I think that someone likes me and the fact that that person could like me looking how I am makes me think I might be able to, too. I mean likes me likes me.

Blog Culture

Do all people abandon their blogs or just fat girls?

I've haven't really researched the topic but I did research fat girl blogs.

I bet everyone gets that idea, "How quaint! I'll begin blogging!" Then it ends.

Do we lost interest? Or is it too depressing to realize how uninteresting we find ourselves to be?

I think about giving up but I don't do it in case I'm letting someone down. I found other people to be interesting even though they thought they were boring.

We have to few opportunities to get inside other peoples' heads and see if there is anything in common that we can relate to. I just want to know if other fat girls think like me. I figured it would only be fair to share how I think.

Control Issues

People always talk about eating disorders as control issues. It is definitely true. The only time I was ever able to really lose weight was when I had someone telling me to eat. I was too stubborn. I need that now.

The biggest frustration about being overweight, for me, is that it is a glaring reminder that I do not have control over myself. Being thing and toned isn't so much about beauty as it is having to power to manipulate the appearance of my own body through sheer determination.

Being completely in control of myself - now that is beautiful.

Reason for the Season

I want to try to embody better reasons to lose weight. Maybe more motivation will come from there. However, those never seem to be enough. As much as I tell myself that exercise increases bone density, boosts immune system, give you energy, releases endorphins, makes you live longer - its not enough to motivate me.

I want to live forever. Ok, not quite. What I mean is that I want to be healthy and active in my old age. I want to be one of those 80 year olds who can still run and jump and get around and be independent. They amaze me. I don't want to get creaky and decrepit. I don't mind being wrinkled and all that (I mean at 70, I will mind at 50). I just want to be able to move. I want that for my partner, too, but it's not looking so good. I am terrified that he will die young because he's not that healthy either. I will never forgive him if he dies prematurely as a direct result of his lifestyle.

Anyhow, those reasons I just mentioned still aren't enough to actually make me do it. What really will motivate me, if and when it motivates me, is being thin, beautiful, and being able to wear better clothes. Is that shallow? I just want to be normal and have fun. I don't want to have to buy jeans so often because they wear out where my thighs rub together. I don't want people to look at me and think "should she really be eating french fries?" Fat girls can't win on that front because people will think something if you just get a salad, too.

I want to try to lose weight without anyone knowing I am trying. That way, if I fail, no one knows. Also, people are even worse about that "you're getting ice cream?" shit. Of course, it kind of sets me up to fail because I can do it without anyone giving me grief. It's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.