A Fat Girl's Tale

Life Interrupted

2011-04-29T20:01:00.002-04:00

So, my little sister moved in a couple months ago. Now her "friend" is going to be living with us for at least a month.

My little sister is thin and adorable and I'm kind of embarrassed for her to know I'm trying to lose weight. She knows I go to the gym but dieting is embarrassing.

Part of me feels like I just can't do it with her around and so I shouldn't even try until she leaves, which may be months from now. I can't waste all that time, though. I need to just start and stop looking for excuses.

Most times when I decide to start up again, I get psyched and I think, "This is it!" This time I just feel like it's hopeless. I thought reading goal stories on 3FC would inspire me. It did, but it only lasted about 30 seconds.

When I don't have control over other things in my life, it makes me feel like I can't control this, either.

Joined a Gym!

2011-04-28T15:58:00.000-04:00

I always thought I would never join a gym...or at least not for awhile. I would feel like a jerk after having free access to a gym for years at school and then paying for one as soon as a I got out.

Well, I joined. It was January and there was a special...$20/mo if you paid for the whole year. It's two blocks from work so I did it; I joined.

I went every day for 6 weeks. I felt great and I thought about coming on here and blogging and I thought I would feel too guilty about how easy it was going to be for me to lose all that weight. I lost 5 or 7 lbs right off the bat; I can't remember.

I didn't keep losing weight because I didn't change my eating habits...I thought working out for an hour a day was enough. It wasn't. I was also doing only cardio and when I decided to add weight training; I lost some of my enthusiasm. Then my schedule changed and it all started to fall apart.

I knew that once I started, I couldn't skip a day just because I felt like it because that would be the end. It was the end.

I go about twice a week still, but I feel like a total failure.

Anniversary...

2011-04-26T16:10:00.002-04:00

I just realized I started this blog in 2008...exactly three years ago this coming Saturday. I should have been thin by now.

This is such a ride awakening. I know I've been trying to lose weight for 20 years, but I really thought this blog was a missing piece of the puzzle. I guess it's kind of like how I thought joining the gym a couple weeks ago would be the missing piece. Or how over the weekend I thought joining WW online was what I needed to make me commit...

I feel stupid for judging all the people who try every fad diet or 1-800 weight loss scheme on the market. I'm not different; I'm just stingier.

Weight Watchers

2011-04-25T16:02:00.003-04:00

I keep thinking that I will get back to keeping track of "points" at some point but I can't get excited about it. I am also a very private person and have a family member staying with me the next few months. I don't want her knowing I'm trying to accomplish anything. I can't wait until I can have my home to myself (and hubs) again.

A friend just signed up for WW on-line and I thought I would, too. I looked into it and I wanted to know all about this "Points Plus" business. It seems like it's just a different way to calculate points. The old way worked, so what is the deal? Is it just an attempt to make more money? Had too many people learned the system and were doing it on their own instead of by giving money to the company every month?

I think so and it almost worked on me. Forget it. I will use old points and the old system and just do this myself. If it doesn't work, then I will try something else. I think it will work; it has worked for me in the past.

I found a website that will calculate how many points I can eat It doesn't just give you the number now but you say how much you want to lose and it will give you an entire breakdown, assuming you lose 2 lbs a week, of what you will weigh and what your points will be. When it was only 40 weeks, I actually felt myself feeling encouraged. I could lose 85 lbs in less than a year. What I am waiting for?

Well, for one, I am sitting here by myself with a sheet pizza next to me...(left over from an event) so if I had to guess, I'll be waiting until tomorrow....

I'm the worst!!

2011-04-25T15:46:00.002-04:00

So it's been forever; I'm not proud of myself for being like so many other people who forget about their blogs.

My hurdles are 1) having a secret identity...I don't want hubs to read the blog or anyone I know
2)Limited computer access...I would never do this at work and hubs needs our main computer for school work...he's on it every waking hour. That leaves me with old rusty...a laptop so slow and so loud, it's usually not worth using
3) laziness, denial and a whole bunch of other things which I can just sum up as my own shortcomings

Anyway, I'm going to give this another go. I need the support. I'm no where. I'm feeling lower than I have in awhile with regard to my weight. This is something I should have control over and I hate myself for not being in control of it.

Skinny Bread

2010-07-22T11:24:00.003-04:00

I just took a regular loaf of bread (a bakery style loaf) and sliced the bread super thing. The sandwich was a million times better than with those expensive lite or lo-carb breads. Loved it!

Those breads are so expensive and since I have 29pts a day, I was using regular 100% whole wheat bread. Two sandwiches = 6pts just for bread! This was only 3 pts for delicious white bread.

Just wanted to share.

Also on the sandwich is Quorn roast (so delicious, you'd never know it was vegetarian and its 1pt for 90grams!), low fat American Cheese, yellow mustard and tomato. Yum.

More weight lost

2010-07-21T11:27:00.003-04:00

Two weeks ago it was .7lbs, which had me kind of bummed. Hubs tried to cheer me up; a loss is a loss.

This past weekend I couldn't wait until Sunday so I weighed first that Saturday morning and it was a flat 0!

Well, that'll teach me to be impatient. I weighed again Sunday ant it was 2.2! I think that puts me around 13lbs down.

My inlaws said I look thinner and while hubs and I were snuggling on the couch, he said I felt different.

As for me - I'm not thin my any stretch of the imagination and really I didn't know how fat I looked until I saw a video clip from my graduation. So really, I am back to what I thought I was all the long...

I am feeling good though, like this could be it, this could be THE time I actually carry it through to the end and lost real weight. If I bust out of the 220's, it will be phenomenal - like no woman's land - at least not for the past 4 years.

Gym Nudity

2010-07-09T16:34:00.001-04:00

So I have been going to gym for a few weeks and I am amazed by how casual some people can be about nudity. I know it's a locker room but my modesty (embarrassment) does not check itself at the door. I also don't understand how people can eschew the private shower stalls in favor of the group shower!

I am not grossed out; I'm impressed. I wish I could just walk around naked and not care. I wish I was that comfortable. Maybe it comes with age (the over 50 crowd seem totally ok with it) or something.

I've worked up to taking off my t-shirt and standing there in sports bra and shorts while getting my shower stuff together. Everything else is series of acrobatics involving holding my towel and undressing/dressing. Skirts are eat to get into ;)

Pretty Face

2010-07-07T16:31:00.002-04:00

I know fat girls love hearing they have a pretty face.

But, it's different when it's you yourself saying it. I was just looking in the mirror and although I didn't have my glasses on (and maybe because I didn't have my glasses on - both because of the glasses themselves and also less imperfections show up) I looked at my face and thought, "I look pretty pretty today." It was a good feeling. I think I can see that I've lost weight in my face. Could that be after not even 10lbs?

In other good news, Angie from Angie All The Way sent me an e-mail and I feel so special.

Weigh In Week Two

2010-07-06T17:36:00.002-04:00

So I am counting this past week as week two of consecutive consistent commitment.

I lost less than 2lbs. I was pretty bummed, because that it was I would hope for with diet alone, but I am working out for an hour a day burning 650 calories and not eating more food to make up for them. I am eating the WW pts allowed for a sedentary women my size. Maybe I should eat more of my points? My SIL said her group, people said they did better when they ate all their points and their flex points. I sometimes come in 2 or 3 points under - all last week I did.

Anyway, 1.8lbs was sad but my husband was very encouraging. He was proud of the loss. I guess it is exciting to only be 10 lbs away from beating my weight loss efforts in recent history. When I had my dieting kick last year, I got down to 221. Here's to blasting through that.

I think the lowest I ever weighed in in the 1.5 years I have had my Wii Fit is 219.

Here's to record breaking!

Working out

2010-06-30T13:35:00.000-04:00

I have been going to the gym on campus every morning before class. I get there before 7 and do at least a full hour on the eliptical (sometimes an extra 3-10 minutes). I love it. I feel like I could keep going except that I have to shower and go to class.

For the rest of the day I feel taller, longer, leaner and more lythe. It's the best feeling.

Lucky 7

2010-06-28T13:31:00.002-04:00

So I fell off the face of the world with final exams, graduation and now studying all summer for the biggest exam of them all. I also fell off the weight loss wagon, but I am back.

I lost 7.7 lbs last week. I go to the gym every day before my review course I am taking and I've been eating healthy (using WW points as my guide but not joining the program).

I am so excited and proud. This puts me at 231 and change.

Streak

2010-05-03T22:28:00.003-04:00

I have lost 4.5 lbs. I did Wii every day for 3 weeks, 255 calories a day. Then it dropped off a little. Then I got strep throat and it dropped off more. I am trying to work my way back into it but it's also a crazy busy time for me school-wise, so we will see what happens. I kept waiting until way too late and I was staying up past midnight just to get my 255 in.

I should keep it up, it helps reduce stress and boost my immune system. I'll start again tomorrow...ok, maybe I'll do a couple minutes tonight.

Fruit

2010-04-12T20:12:00.001-04:00

I always thought of myself as a pear but I saw myself in the mirror the other day, from the side, and I saw an apple. That's part of what got me started this time around.

Feeling Full

2010-04-11T21:01:00.004-04:00

If I may say, I am a master at WW. I am terrified about being hungry. I don't know why, it's irrational.

Sometimes I over plan. I eat super low point foods, but oddly I almost never eat zero point foods...not on their own anyway. I don't chow down on carrot sticks but I'll put lettuce on sandwich or salsa on a burrito.

Anyway...today I overplanned. It's 9pm and I am completely stuffed. However, I've only 18 of my 30 points. What do I do know?

I think I might have some bread and butter later...if I can stop feeling so full.

Tiny Tummy and Seven Days Strong!

2010-04-10T20:08:00.002-04:00

So it only took 2 or 3 days for my stomach to shrink...in the inside. I noticed myself getting full much faster. That definitely helps with the dieting - it's harder to over eat. Overeating is still possible and then things can stretch out again, but if I stay on top of it, think of all the money I've save on bariatric surgery!

Anyway, I have done seven full days of staying on top of my points and of working out each day. I do at least 255 calories on the Wii Fit and I walk about an hour a week.

I have lost three lbs.

Babies

2010-04-09T17:32:00.001-04:00

I think I have written about this before but I am too lazy to check.

I don't want to have a baby right now but I am pretty sure I want one eventually. I am positive I do not want to get pregnant when I am this overweight. The health risks scare me but most of all, you have an increased risk of "tearing." Plenty of skinny people tear, but I would like to get as many odds in my favor as possible.

I figure it will take me some time to get to a satisfactory weight before getting pregnant. That's fine and that's why I want to do it now. I don't want to catch baby fever and then be forced to diet and wait months or years while I get my act together. I want to have my act together so when the time comes, I won't have to wait.

I never had to think about it because I was fairly sure I wanted to be done with school first. I will be done with school in a couple months, so I will have to start thinking about what will determine when we actually go for it and decide to become parents.

Stuff Your Face!

2010-04-07T20:57:00.002-04:00

In the days leading up to my decision to really commit this time, I was paying more attention to my behavior.

I love the feeling of my mouth being overstuffed. I love cramming as much food will fit in it...when it's certain foods - like popcorn. I love cramming it in.

Is that weird?

I just thought I would share.

P.S.

2010-04-06T17:36:00.001-04:00

I just want to add that there was a table at school giving out free cupcakes. I took a free pen/highlighter instead and went on my way.

I NEVER walk away from free food. So, do you believe me now?

The girl who cried diet!

2010-04-06T17:23:00.002-04:00

I don't know how many times I can say "this time I am really going to do it" before people stop believing me. I can't just pop up every two months and say "I am really going to lose 100 lbs this time!" and then fall off the Earth.

So, I wanted to be sure. After several "today is the day" or "tomorrow is the day" declarations to myself over the last month, I wanted to make sure it was real.

Last Saturday was the day. I started counting points again and I have been counting four 4 days straight. On top of that, I started working out again. I set my Wii Fit Training goal to 230 calories per day. I have done it Sat, Sun, and Mon and I fully plan on doing it tonight. I am ready to up it to 255 (it has bizarre increments based on foods. Right now I am at 3.5 pieces of wheat toast and the next level is a cup of sticky rice). 255 calorites a day = .5lbs lost per week. If I can lose 2lbs a week from diet on top of that then I can lost 10lbs per month.

For me, three days is a trend. If I can do three days, then it's starting to be something real.

I have three weddings in the family this year - one of which is tropical destination. While I want to look good, strike that, halfway decent, in a bathing suit - I also want to look good in these family photos which wil be around a long time. I cringe when I think of my dad's wedding pictures.

So here I am with the goal of losing 25lbs. I will be back to my wedding weight. I'd like to lose at least 75 (Wii says I should lose 100) but I am going to take it step by step.

Thank you so much to anyone who is still reading this!

My apologies

2010-02-21T17:05:00.001-05:00

I can't believe it's been two months. Part of it is being in denial and part of it is trying to do this secretly when hubs and I share one computer.

Today is the first day in a long time that I have actually counted points. I burned 150 calories on Wii fit. I am really going to do this.

I have gained back all my weight, weight I had kept off for more than I year, and I am devastated. I feel fat, my clothes are snug and I am noticing certain things are harder to do/reach because of my size. Not cool.

So I am really doing it. I am really starting over today and for the rest of my life.

How about Friday?

2009-12-16T13:53:00.002-05:00

So the macaroni and cheese was the end of me. I brought so much home and thought about all the next day. I then decided that the middle of exams was not the time to start dieting. If there is one thing I love more than food, its free food. I wanted to be free to eat endless amounts of free bagels at school.

Well, I have been eating bagels every day but I haven't been sticking two or three bagels with cream cheese in bag to eat throughout the morning, so that's a mini victory.

So Friday I will start WW again. I know that's also a recipe for disaster given the holidays and all the semester ending parties, but I guess I will cross those bridges when I come to them.

Woops

2009-12-10T10:09:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was Day 5 of being back on WW. I had my points all planned out so I could have two pieces of pizza at a meeting I was going to. We always have pizza.

Well instead there was macaroni and cheese, lasagna, baked ziti, etc. I didn't know the points of any of it because 1) I didn't make it and 2) I don't eat these things when I am on program. I almost never eat out, so I am not in the habit of estimating points. I measure everything.

So, what did I do? I just ate as much as I wanted; too much actually. Then I took some home (they brought out to go boxes and said it would all get thrown out). I brought home an entire container filled with

Then when I got home, of course I ate some more macaroni and cheese.

I am just going to pretend I didn't eat more than 50 points (which maybe I didn't) - that would be the point I had left for the day and all my flex points for the week. I am back on track today.

Distractions

2009-12-08T14:06:00.000-05:00

I often eat when I am bored. Now I am successfully distracting myself with facebook video games. Well, one in particular: Restaurant City. I set up a separate account just to play it.

Anyway, it's keeping me from overeating but it's also keeping me from studying.

Free Food Temptations...

2009-12-07T11:56:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I could feel my Wii workout in my thighs. I can still feel it in my butt today.

I am in the library all day studying today. I was worried about the free bagels they have during exams, but there were none today; I guess it's still study week.

I don't know if I have ever talked about my issues with free food. I have to eat it. I will eat three pizza dinners in a row if they're there and they're free. At school there is always free pizza and I am in a lot of clubs. I think this has a lot to do with my 15lb weight gain since the semester started. I would eat pizza every night for days on end. Plus, I wasn't moving around as much. I was just sitting in class and riding elevators.

I went to a club event that had a ton of extra food - I ate so much that I could barely drive home. I was fuller than on Thanksgiving. I was still uncomfortably full an hour later. I think part of it is that I was raised to never waste food or money; free food accomplishes both. The extra food was going to end up in the garbage. Now it will live forever in my thighs, butt, and belly. Well, hopefully not forever.

I am really excited that I can still feel my work out. It reminds me to work out again today.

Weight Watchers Wagon

2009-12-05T21:15:00.002-05:00

So I am doing my off the books WW thing again.

I can't believe I get 30 points. I've never been allowed that many. It kind of upsets me.

I am at 25 so far. I might have some veggie dogs.

Day 1 and feeling fine.

I did Wii for an hour.

Did I mention I am trying to lose 52 lbs in the next year?

Oh my...

2009-12-04T17:30:00.001-05:00

I just saw my (221.8) over on the side of my blog. I can't believe I have gained almost 15 lbs in two months.

234 and feeling horrible.

2009-12-04T17:25:00.002-05:00

I can't hide from it. Not only did I gain back all the weight I lost this summer, I gained back more than half the weight I lost two summers ago which I kept off for a year. I am not happy with myself.

I kept avoiding it and days became weeks became months. My wii fit told me it hadn't seen me in 56 says. I couldn't believe it and swore I would workout more. Earlier this week it told me I had been gone almost 30 days. Where does the time go?

I am the heaviest I have been this entire calendar year, but about 7 or 8lbs. What is wrong with me? Why would I let this happen?

So here I am, starting over. I am going to lose 1lb per week for the next year. No more joking around. If I mess up a week, I have to make it up the next week. I am going to give myself some flexibility but I can't be as easy as I have been.

Today I am being mindful of what I eat and tomorrow I am going back to really counting my points.

Sorry I've been gone so long. Rest assured that when I am not here, I am off somewhere gaining weight...

Bummed

2009-10-06T21:40:00.003-04:00

I just feel really down and hopeless today.

I don't know if it's weight related or not. I just feel overwhelmed.

I asked for it...

2009-10-04T19:11:00.002-04:00

I had so much guilt about being successful with dieting while watching my peer bloggers struggle.

Now I've gained back all the wait I lost. Yesterday I binged on chips and dip, pizza, blue cheese, and desserts. Then I got home and ate a gigantic piece of pepperoni pizza with blue cheese (and I'm a vegetarian) mere moments before going to bed.

Today I woke up resolved to be better. I worked out on the Wii for 45 minutes, I had yogurt and a banana for breakfast. I was tracking my points and I felt good. However, we had brought home almost an entire pizza left over from the in-law dinner yesterday. I told myself I wouldn't eat it - that there were plenty of delicious and healthy foods I would have instead. Nope. I ate the pizza and more blue cheese and then a brownie. I've been eating all day.

Now I am upset about how much I ate but I am also worried about food in the fridge going to waste. I need to not eat it just because I think it will get wasted. I should only eat if I am hungry. I'd like to see that happen.

I feel so defeated. I also feel out of control of other areas of my life as well. I need to get a grip.

Back on Track

2009-09-28T12:54:00.002-04:00

Ok, I just decided to do it and be better. I've been good so far today. I am keeping track, at least, which is a big step forward.

It just happened. I haven't gained too much since the post before my last post, but I have gained back the 10 lbs I lost when I was on a roll this summer.

I am disappointed in myself.

IDK

2009-09-27T15:01:00.003-04:00

I don't know what is going on. It's as if the part of my life where I wanted to lose weight never existed. I'm scared to find out that I am gaining weight. What is happening? I don't know what is going on. I am just eating what I want to eat and I'm not thinking about it.

It's actually kind of nice to not think about what I am eating, but this is no good for the long term. I could end up 300lbs.

I am not even trying. I used to always have these little things that I thought would make all the difference - using only mustard on a burger, no ketchup (30 calorie savings?), not putting butter on anything (that probably does add up, but on its own won't accomplish much). Now I am using ketchup and butter with wild abandon!

This isn't me. What is happening?

What the what?

2009-09-12T23:07:00.002-04:00

I feel like throwing in the towel. I don't know why. My enthusiasm has waned and I don't know what to do.

I am disgusted with how I look but I am not doing anything about it. I didn't start dieting again on Tuesday like I said I would. I don't know why. Am I just too lazy? I don't feel like measuring but I also don't feel like staying fat. Then again, is not being fat even possible?

I don't know.

New routine

2009-09-07T10:53:00.002-04:00

So the summer has ended and my schedule is totally different. Instead of the same thing M-F, I have a wildly varying schedule day to day. There needs to be a lot more planning on my part as I will be have two meals away from home a couple days a week. I've never been one to eat out when I can bring my own lunch/dinner, so I just have to stay on top of things and keep stuff handy that I can easily grab in the morning.

Here goes!

Letting it all hang out

2009-09-06T14:05:00.002-04:00

So I am almost always sucking my stomach in. I live in a near constant state of contracted abdominal muscles. (As a result, I think I have a 4 or 6 pack under all this flab, if only I could see it...I can see the top two muscles...)

Anyway, every once in a blue moon, I will let it all out put pretend I am pushing it out (but I am really just relaxed) and make some comment to my husband like, "This is what I really look like." He frowns at me, thinking I am being mean to myself and said, "Stop it baby, no you don't."

I do. I do. I do. It is what I look like and he doesn't know it.

Completely Off

2009-09-05T10:48:00.002-04:00

So I am totally off the wagon. I haven't been binging or going crazy - but I have been eating and not keeping track. I'm only eating when I am hungry. However, I am susceptible to eating just because I think something will go to waste. I cringe when I read other people's blogs about overcoming temptation by throwing a whole plate of cupcakes in the garbage or something like that. My mom was really neurotic about wasting food and it's ingrained in me. Since we are doing two CSA's and I just signed up for a bread-share (local bread baked in a field), we have a steady supply of perishable food coming in that we need to stay on top of. I am also trying to do a fridge cleanse (I did one a couple months ago) where I try to reduce the number of condiments and storage containers by consuming the contents.

Anyway, so all this off the waggon business has resulted in 5lb gain in the last month. I was actually realieve that it was only 5lbs but now that I think about it, that is pretty horrible. That would be the equivalent of 60lbs a year. That is not the road I want to be on.

So, I am resolving that starting after labor day (we have a family picnic! I know it's wrong but I am doing it anyway) I am back on the wagon!

Dumped

2009-08-28T20:09:00.003-04:00

I haven't been dumped, but it's the same feeling.

I had a summer job which had the possibility of becoming and school year job and then becoming an offer for a full-time job. They like me a lot and indicated that I would be around in the fall.

Today the boss said they don't know. There are a lot of experienced folks applying for jobs with them and I am not even done with school and they like me but they don't know.

Before we even got to that part I was thinking, "Are you dumping me?" It's more of a break so workplace can "find itself" if you will, but it feels like being dumped. I am in love and the other party is, "I really like you but I don't know."

So it's tough.

I know this isn't weight related, but it's weighing down on my pretty heavily. I thought I would be working there during the semester and they've reconsidered.

I'm back!!

2009-08-24T19:41:00.001-04:00

I tried giving a head's up that I would be busy for awhile. I went away, had company, went away for over week, but now I am back and getting settled. I thought that time would just be a break from blogging, but it was also a break from the wagon. I fell off and I fell hard. I haven't weighed myself yet. I'm a little worried. I think I may have gained back all the weight I lost this round.

I need to weight myself. I don't want to because I am scared of what I will see, but by not looking, I can pretend everything is ok and neither get back on track nor feel like I have done anything wrong. That will only make things worse.

I will weight myself tonight. I will get back on track. This will be ok.

I can't help but wonder if this really happened on its own, or of this was subconscious guilt about succeeding. I really think it was the former. I mean, I was out of town for a week for work with no kitchen and pretty much had to eat out every meal. Yes I could have eaten healthier. Yes I could have not gone to the greasy all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant and make 6 or 7 trips to the buffet.

Ok, this is starting to look more like my fault and less like a matter of circumstances. Did I mention my birthday fell during this break, too? Any sympathy?

Light month

2009-08-09T10:27:00.001-04:00

This month isn't going to get much posting I fear. I am really busy.

I went to Las Vegas, ate at buffets almost every meal, was up 4.5 but was good this week and lost 4. Now we have company in town and I am being bad again but hopefully being good next week will counteract that.

I am nearly drowning in produce from my farmshares, so hopefully that will help me stay on track.

Long time, no blog

2009-08-04T17:32:00.001-04:00

Sorry folks. I was out of town over the weekend at a wedding and didn't have the internets.

Soooo, I was in Vegas, the land of all-you-can-eat buffets. I think I did some damage. I weighed myself last night but it was late at night, so I am not counting that. I think I will wait until Saturday morning, my usual weigh-in day. I missed it last week, but oh well.

We have guests staying with us later this week and then I will be out of town a week after that - so I am worried that August will not be a good month.

Celebratory Meal?

2009-07-26T22:29:00.001-04:00

So I have been doing really well but last week I had some days where I ate too much but then was good and did better than on a week when I was only good. So today I was bad (ate lots of pizza and chips) and tried to justify it but thinking I had been doing so well.

That's the exact thing that just the other day, I said I didn't do. I guess I am learning more about myself every day.

-1.7!

2009-07-25T09:38:00.002-04:00

I thought this week was wrecked.

This goes to show that messing up one (ok twice) in a week doesn't mean you should give up!

Thanks to DH for the words of encouragement and helping me stick with it.

He started counting calories for himself. =)

Rough Start

2009-07-24T18:05:00.002-04:00

So this week got off to a rough start but I got back on track. Tomorrow is weigh-in, so we'll see.

I weighed myself this morning with wet hair and jeans on, and I was only .4 above last week, so hopefully tomorrow there is a loss.

Sunday I overate, Tuesday I went to a restaurant for lunch where I had no way to gauge the points and when I got home I just wanted to binge. I ate two pieces of pizza, but spit out half of each piece after chewing it up. I never do that.

I somehow recovered yesterday and tonight I had a light lunch because we were supposed to have a meeting with pizza. I guess it's for the best that we didn't. So now it's dinner and I have 18 points left!

Words of Encouragement

2009-07-22T09:54:00.000-04:00

The other day, DH said I was doing a good job (sticking with my diet). It made me smile.

I love him.

Self-destruction

2009-07-21T13:03:00.000-04:00

Nowawdays, you see more attention on tv and whatnot about the things that teenagers go through. People are more aware of "cutting" and other self-inflicted harm the emotionally disabled people, particularly teenagers and especially females.

As far as I know, no one thinks of eating this way. I can remember times in college that I specifically ate means of self-harm. It was like cutting but without the "cry-for-help" scabs and scars. It was secret and no one knew about it. There were even one or two occasions where I binged for the sole purpose of throwing up. I wanted to throw-up before I had even eaten.

I did other things besides overeat during the time in my life, but all that is behind me. I'm happier and more stable now. I just thought this was a good forum to put my theory out there. I don't think the main-stream could acknowledge over-eating and deliberate self-harm the way they have reached out to people with little scars all up and down their arms. Even the ones who cut themselves - they seem like more sympathetic characters if they aren't already fat.

Dropping Off...

2009-07-20T17:51:00.004-04:00

Sorry for being MIA for a few days. The weekend just flew by.

Last night, after weekly dinner with the in-laws, I started to feel the enthusiasm of a newbie slipping away. I ate too much - but not necessarily over my allowance of flex points. I save all the flex for Sunday just in case. I didn't know what went into the food - ("how much oil, butter, or parmesan is hiding in here?") and so couldn't calculate points accurately and so just ate as much as I wanted. I was too full for it to have been OK.

As we were leaving I felt the enthusiasm slipping. Then I stayed up too late last night and I knew I wouldn't get up in time to ride my bike to work. Now it's supposed to rain every day this week and I am tempted to not even try riding at all for the next 4 days.

I know one can't lose 5 lbs a week and I try to support the other women who get frustrated with no loss or only a 1lb. I lost .5 in 6 days and while part of my knows this is how it goes, I still feel deflated. I like to not do the math and pretend I can lose 25 lbs in a month. Losing 50lbs could very well take me a year and I know that, but I like to see results on the scale every week.

I think if I can just get to the 100s (or Onederland as everyone on 3FatChicks seems to call it) then I think I will be super energized. I just have to get through the next 25 lbs.

I am disappointed in myself for yesterday. While I most likely stayed within my daily points plus flex points, I undoubtedly ate more calories than I burned yesterday. I am not scientist but that means I gained weight and that my loss this week, if any, will be minimal. *Sigh*

Food Relationships

2009-07-17T22:24:00.002-04:00

So I was thinking today that there are two ways to approach changing my relationship with food. Well, there are probably a million but here is what I was thinking.

I used to always fantasize about cooking really delicious healthy food. Sometimes I do - but I was thinking was great ingredients, fresh herbs, great spices, so it's an enjoyable experience but healthier and more sophisticated. It's not just adding french fries and cheese to every dish.

Then the other day I was thinking about downplaying the role food plays in my life. What if food was just nourishment - something I ate to nurish me and fill me up, but not an elaborate ceremony - just get it in to get full. Would that help me detach from by food obsession and then come back have a healthier relationship later on?

You know, should it be like a break-up - we can't see each other for awhile because it's too painful. We can only be friends if we take a break. Or should it be like the first approach - meeting someone better so I can move on and never think about the old one?

Did this make sense?

The last acceptable form of discrimination?

2009-07-17T16:05:00.000-04:00

By no means have we evolved enough as a society that we've thrown away all the stereotypes and prejudice out there, but at least we have acknowledged that certain things are bad: racism, agism, homophobia, gender discrimination, ethnic jokes, certain religious discrimination (ex. Judaism is out but it's still ok to hate on Catholics).

People haven't really recognized sizism...weightism? Whatever it is - it's ok to hate on people because they are fat.

Childhood

2009-07-16T18:48:00.003-04:00

I am a Big Sister to a little girl. Lately, whenever she says she is hungry, she starts by saying, "I'm not trying to bet fat, but..." It really upsets me. Her older brother has been telling her that she is fat. She's not fat. She's not one of those rail thin kids and she may be disposed to being overweight as she gets older, but she is not fat yet.

He tells her this and it makes her cry. I told her how when I was little my brother always said I was fat and him saying that and me believing it made me get fat. That's simplifying things, but she's 9, so I kept it simple.

She has had weight issues for awhile. When she was about 7, when she was at my house, she would weight herself every 10 minutes to see if it changed. I tried explaining to her that it doesn't work that way. She also thought she was fat until I explained to her that most grown-ups weigh more than 100 lbs, so weighing 60 was really not a big deal.

I told her that she can still try to eat healthy and exercise just because it is good for everyone, whether they are fat or thin. She really doesn't know anything about nutrition. She was shocked when I told her McDonald's wasn't healthy. Last night I had to break the news to her that pepperoni and bacon aren't healthy, either.

Hello

2009-07-14T23:01:00.003-04:00

I've been on a roll posting and I didn't want to let another day go by.

I was just reading Lisa's blog, catching up. I had meetings today and yesterday after work, so not so much time. I rode my bike to work yesterday but got up too late today. I made up for it by riding my bike to the meeting. If I don't get in bed soon, I'm going to have a repeat of this morning.

Lisa is right about everyone struggling. I am doing well this week but to think I got over 200, then I got down to 175 without much effort (I was doing study abroad - different lifestyle, it just sort of happened. I helped it along. I think I have an old post about it - about my control issues and having someone standing around telling me to eat was just what I needed to not eat) and I gained it all back the next semester because of depression related over-eating. I looked so good. The night I got back my boyfriend (now husband) said I looked like a movie star. I still think about that. I know he loves me no matter what and how I am now (and I'm a lot smaller than him) but I know he really liked me thinner, too.

I got off topic. Basically it makes me sick how since I was 8 I've been trying to lose weight and in the time in between then and now, I have let myself gain tons. Not losing weight is bad enough - did I really have to gain it?!?!

Anyway, I'm hopeful this time. I think the blogging (my own and others I read) is helping and I hope it makes a real difference.

I do still think though that if I am successful and lose all the weight, that I will lose the solidarity that bonds heavy women together. I'll be a defector or a traitor.

Blog List Edits

2009-07-13T11:38:00.000-04:00

When I started this blog, I searched high and low for other blogs by fat women. I wasn't looking for diet blogs. If someone was dieting, fine, but I was looking for blogs about being fat. Google didn't seem to help, so I just thought up titles and searched for them. I just used different words for fat and woman. I never thought to use someone's name - I figured everyone would be like me and want to be anonymous.

Now I have a handful of blogs I really enjoy, and they all seem to have the persons name in the title. I never would have found them on my own.

The following are blogs that I found, but that were long abandoned. I still enjoyed reading them.

Because they are no longer active, I am removing them. I want to direct people to sites I like and not overwhelm folks with dead blogs. Here they are if you are interested. They are all the titles below .blogspot.com (ex. diaryofafatgirl.blogspot.com).

So proud!

2009-07-12T23:16:00.002-04:00

Sunday nights are the most dangerous time for me. We have family dinner my husband's family. Sometimes it's just us and his mom.

Anyway, she's all about snacks, butter, oil, cheese, etc. For last few weeks I've literally eaten an entire bag of Lays (1750 calories) with little help from my husband. Ten minutes later I would be gorging myself on a butter,cheese, and white carb laden dinner.

I had saved all my flex points for today, just in case. I even worked out for half an hour on the Wii and did some intensive gardening.

I was sooo good. I still can't believe it. I was also able to do it in a way that no one noticed I was cutting back or had to ask if I was on a diet.

It helped that in addition to the array of chips, she had this week gotten hummus and flat-out whole grain bread (1 pt each) so I had that instead of chips and it helped keep me from eating too much cheese ravioli. In the end, I was so good that I had enough regular points to have a serving of chips before we left and I never touched my flex points.

I thought having other people read my blog would keep me accountable. What I have noticed instead is that reading other people's blogs, and knowing they read my blog, has made me want to set a good example. I want to let other women know that it is possible. That is what is motivating me now - not the fear of embarrassing myself by failing.

It also helps that I lost another pound. I'm down 5 since turning over this new leaf.

No excuses

2009-07-12T11:17:00.002-04:00

I don't know what my problem has been. I don't think I have a hard time dieting - I just have a hard time committing in the first place.

I don't like peanut butter. I'm not obsessed with chocolate. I love vegetables and whole grains. I'm a vegetarian so fast food really has no appeal to me. There are so many things that should make this easier for me, and yet I've let myself gain all this weight.

I will say, however, that bread, cheese, pizza, pasta, chips, french fries, etc. really get me.

Fat-Check

2009-07-12T07:12:00.000-04:00

When I was in high school, I checked in every class to see if I was the fattest person there. It was an all girls school.

I was glad that I was the second fattest person in every class.

It never got me anywhere. Was I trying to convince myself it wasn't that bad since there was someone fatter?

Exercise

2009-07-11T22:45:00.002-04:00

I got back on my Wii fit today for the first time a month.

While I was working out, doing the advanced step aerobics, I remembered going to my mom's step class when I was about 12. It was at the YMCA. I remember all the activities I was in - soccer, racquetball, nautilus strength training...and I remembered vividly how I thought each one of those would be the answer to my weight problems. I was so optimistic. I had forgotten about that. I would be there do the strength training circuit machines and I fantasized about the kids at school being blown away but how good I looked. I was in middle school.

It some senses it's a sweet memory but it also makes me sad. So much of my youth was consumed by feeling fat. What a waste. I think it only made me fatter. I wasted a growth spurt that had actually thinned me out a nice amount. Now I'm obese.

P.S. I lost 4 lbs in the last 6 days.

How did I get here?

2009-07-10T19:26:00.002-04:00

I always thought those people you see on Discovery Health who way 800 lbs are nuts - how did they let that happen? Wouldn't you get to 500 and be like "hmm...maybe I should turn this train around?"

I was wrong and I am ashamed for thinking those thoughts. I also shouldn't be judging other people when I am obese.

I got a taste of my own medicine. I gained weight and fast and I was on track to keep gaining and gaining. I couldn't see it. I could only tell in pictures. My eyes looking in the mirror hadn't adjusted to how I was really looking. I also remember watching the first season of Celebrity Fit Club and at the time, Mia Tyler weighed about 5lbs more than me but I thought she looked waaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger. That couldn't be - we're similar heights. I couldn't see it on me.

I need to prepare for this in reverse, too. So many folks lose the weight and they still see their fat self. There I was, pushing 250 and I saw 220. It may sound nice, but I still thought I was fat (just not that fat) and it was leading me to gain more weight.

Recycling

2009-07-10T07:06:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to lie- I've recycled this post from a comment I left on another blog. I like what I wrote, though, I decided to make it it's own post on my blog.

-
I always thought "why bother trying to look nice?" because nothing could make up for being fat.

If you're watching TLC, watch "What Not to Wear." They tell all the heavy women not to put their life off until they are thing.

When I put on a nice outfit and do my makeup, I feel like a million bucks. When I see woman bigger than me who you can see care about their appearance - the outfits are sharp, their hair is done, their make-up is flawless - I think they look amazing.

I know, I know

2009-07-09T18:47:00.000-04:00

Things will get better. I run on here and when I am angry at DH. That's been about twice in the last 12 months.

I really like how in Bridget Jones Diary, at the end (SPOILER ALERT) when Mr. Darcy leaves her in her underwear to get her a new diary, he acknowledges that diaries are all crap. They serve a purpose.

I never run on here to gush about how wonderful DH is.

Maybe it's because I think there is more solidarity in misery than in happiness. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into things. Maybe it's just that when things are great, I have lots of people to tell, and when things aren't, I don't have anyone to talk about it. In the human world (as opposed to computer world) I am much more tight-lipped about the day to day unpleastantries. Maybe I would feel better if I got these things out more.

I had just made up my mind to be angry forever and then Lisa gave me my first blog comment.

So here we go...I can do this.

Crossroads

2009-07-09T18:40:00.002-04:00

So here I am. I have been on track for four days and I get in a screaming fight with DH.

I see three options:
a) binge to make myself feel worse
b) starve to be stubborn and try to gain a feeling of control
c) carry on like nothing happened, count my points, and die a little inside

It looks like its going to be C.

I've already beat myself up, literally, so I might as well do the rational thing.

If I go with C, at least if things get bad enough, I will be thin enough for someone else to love me.

Three Days In A Row!

2009-07-08T20:34:00.002-04:00

I have been on track for three days. I was so good today, I had enough points to eat two homemade cookies. YUM!

Readers

2009-07-08T19:23:00.001-04:00

I got excited for a second thinking I had a reader because one of my posts had a comment.

Then I saw I wrote the comment.

Holidays

2009-07-07T19:19:00.002-04:00

I totally blew it over the holiday weekend, but I am back on track.

I am so sick of being fat. I gained my last bit of weight so fast that it hasn't registered and pictures horrify me.

I stayed on track today and I even exercised. Today is the new first day of the rest of my life.

New Leaf

2009-07-01T21:43:00.002-04:00

It's July 1, the year is half over. I am getting on the wagon.

I am going to do Weight Watchers, off the books. I'm not joining up. I have a grasp of the program from some books a friend gave me. She did it, quit, rejoined, and gave me her old set of materials, her calculator, etc. I started doing the program myself.

Honestly, it is the only conscious diet that has ever worked for me. I did it awhile ago and lost weight - I don't know why I ever stopped. I never got to my ideal weight. So here I go, back on. I did it today and I am really proud of my self control. I'm not hungry - I just stopped myself from eating past the point of full.

I really like WW - it's like a game for me. I think it's kind of fun. I feel like I am being challenged - like it's a dare. It's way better than counting calories - it's about picking the right foods.

So it begins. It is July 1, 2009. I weigh 229 pounds - about 15 lbs less than my heaviest weight.

I have never admitted to my weight - I under report it when I give blood. The only time another soul has known my actual weight is in a doctor's office.

This is a big step for me - accepting my weight and acknowledging it semi-publicly. (Semi because the blog is anonymous and I don't know that I have ANY readers.)

Here it goes...

Wii Fit

2009-06-03T15:30:00.000-04:00

I got a Wii Fit a few months ago. I thought it would be great for tracking my weight over time, getting into yoga, strength training, losing weight, and offering a general alternative to eating or sitting on the couch.

Well I like it and it's fun. I started out using it every day, now it's less and less. My weight has been pretty steady of the few months I have had it, just going up and down between 226 and 219. I am glad that I've been able to maintain my 20lb loss from last summer, though I gained back the extra weight I had lost in the fall, 5 or so pounds. I really want to get below 200.

I am going to keep at it. I've been most playing games and doing less of the yoga and no strength training for awhile. I've been getting better about the aerobics. I like the top ten score list, it gives me a challenge and motivation to work towards something.

Anyway, I recommend it. It wasn't the magic bullet I hoped it would be, but it is good.

Let's be clear...

2009-05-18T17:18:00.001-04:00

I want to emphasize that this is not a diet blog. I was thinking about diet girl and how she made blogging about being fat into a career.

I haven't read her blog but her name says it all. It wasn't about being fat, it was about dieting. People are fine with hearing from fat people about being fat as long as what they are saying is that they want to be thin and are trying really hard and even better, spending money on the dieting industry.

Forget that. That's ridiculous. Why can't people just talk about being fat, how it feels, and what we think about.

No matter what I weight, and I still weigh a lot, I will always be a fat girl.

Anniversary

2009-05-05T15:35:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I let my one year glob anniversary come and go. I thought I started this blog later, like July. I didn't know my first post was April 30.

Well hurray for me, keeping it up for one year when I have absolutely no readers. I will have to check soon to see if any of the blogs I link to have posted made it this far.

More food (for) thought...

2009-05-03T12:04:00.000-04:00

(this is the post that was written for my public blog but will not appear there, not yet)

I feel like it's kind of awkward for people to watch an obese person obsess over food. It would be one thing if I had the anonymity of the blogosphere, but this is the blog that my family reads.
However, I think there are some things I need to accept. 1) Weight is not a suppressible characteristic. 2) Denial and avoidance won't change anything.

Since I don't see my family on a daily or weekly basis, I do wonder what folks think when they see me for the first time in months - how different I look from the last time and if they're worried about me.

I don't want to admit to people that I want to lose weight. I feel like it makes people look at you differently, judge all the food that goes in your mouth (which people do to fat people anyway), and it makes it worse when you fail. Everyone knows you don't have a grip on things.
I have control issues, no doubt. This is something I have yet to gain control of on a long term basis. The most useful thing for me would actually to be to have someone following me around and telling me to eat. I know because I've been in that situation and that's when I eat the least and when I really became aware of how little food it takes to become full.

Anyway, I'm not really sure where I am going with this but I thought it was something I should get off my chest. I can't even begin to explain how consuming my relationship with food can be. It's kind of a big deal.

Coming out as a fattie...

2009-05-02T11:48:00.000-04:00

Obviously everyone can tell when someone is fat. However, not everyone can tell that a person constantly thinks about the fact that she is fat. Admitting that is a big deal.

This is like my secret life blog. I have a blog that I do share with my family. I thought I could come out to them - let them know I know I am fat, that I wonder what they think every time they see me, and that I wish I wasn't fat.

I couldn't do it. Not yet. Maybe I can. So here I am going to post that post here instead.

Food Relationships

2009-04-25T16:25:00.000-04:00

I want to change my relationship with food. I think this blog can play a role. Maybe I can turn this into one of those food porn blogs. Then again, who does that help? I don't know.

I want a food porn blog but does that mean I should create a third blog? It seems a little over the top. How said is it that I feel I have to completely compartmentalize my life - that no one person can see every part? Not even my husband sees this part, and we are very close. I could tell him these thoughts but I don't think I could let him read them because I feel like that's more raw.

In any case, I want to change my relationship with food. I want to get excited about healthy foods and delicious complex foods. I get lazy when I cook and I need to stop that. I want to be more intenional about what I eat and think more about nourishing my body and less about satisfying some urge.

I have several strengths to capitalize one. First, I am not gaga for desserts. I more into salty things, so I don't have to worry about an eternal struggle with chocolate. Second, I am a vegetarian and I am lactose intolerant. I am going to use this as my motivation to give up cheese and other other dairy prducts - the number one calorie contributor in my life probably. After I give up dairy, it seems like I might as well take the plunge into veganism. That might be a few months off or it might happen more quickly than I think. I guess we will see.

Weight Worries

2009-03-28T15:28:00.002-04:00

I have always been worried about my weight. However, when there is someone else in the equation, you start to worry about their health.

I wonder if overweight people often end up together. My husband and I were both this way before we met. Well, looking back, I wasn't as bad as I am now. He fluctuates a lot, but it can be hard to tell when I'm around him all the time - even where there's a 50lb difference. I don't really realize it until I look into photos.

Anyway, I'm worried about him. He's really unhealthy. I'm scared that he's going to die before he's 50. He might get diabetes. He never goes to doctors, so who knows how serious this is. I am scared, though. I'm really really scared.

I wish I could be a good influence on him but instead he ends up being a bad influence on me. He won't go for walks. I end up using food as a sign of affection - I get him treats to show him I love him. I'm just like my mother in that regard - though she never hesitated to tell me how fat and unattractive I was. The treats she got weren't usually for me.

Long time, no blog

2009-03-15T13:26:00.003-04:00

I can't believe this is my first post of the new year. Oh well, it isn't as if I have any followers.

I found out that this has already been done. Some fat woman from Australia or something like this did do a blog about being fat and losing weight and became really famous. Somehow I had missed that in all my quests for blogs about fat girls.

I guess the difference is that her blog was about dieting, not about being fat.

Also, I did gain weight over the holidays, but I am still 20 lbs below where I was a year ago. I've gained back about 7lbs, but I am determined to lose it. Even typing that felt like a lie. I'm not that determined, but I do want it.

Holiday Cliche

2008-12-23T17:35:00.001-05:00

It's the holidays and I risk jeopardizing everything that I came so easily to me.

I am so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-10-12T12:23:00.000-04:00

I just got in a fight with my husband. He can be such a jerk!

I can spend hours on something and it means nothing to him. He throws it in the garbage. I do things for him and I have to solicit a thank you. He won't get a job but he insists on wasting money, like throwing away food I just cooked for him. I would have eaten it if he didn't want. So much food went into that meal and he just threw it away. It makes me want to cry. He knew how much it would upset me, too.

I don't know why he does this. He's been really bad lately. He used to be so nice.

Old Ways

2008-09-13T16:35:00.002-04:00

I feel my self slipping into old ways. I'm back around my partner in crime and even though he is actually staying on top of things, I am not. I kind of am. I haven't been really keeping track of what I eat though. I do really well when I keep track using the Weight Watchers points system. I see results. It's the only time I've seen results while at home and living my regular life. I need to get it together or I'm going to gain back those 20lbs. I had already forgotten it was 20 and had been thinking of it as ten. Maybe I'll be re-energized knowing I've made more progress than I've realized. I better way myself and make sure it's not just 10 now.

Control Issues

2008-09-01T09:01:00.001-04:00

It should be noted that what I believe to be one of the factors in losing weight while I was abroad is my control issues. In addition to all the exercise and healthy food, I had someone who was always telling me to eat. I can't handle that. I don't want someone telling me what to do. The more I was told to eat, the less I would eat. Much to my surprise, I was still full. I ate the tiniest amounts of food and they filled me up. It was a really good lesson in how much I really need to eat.

I overeat and I know it. Try it sometime. Just pay really close attention to whether or not you're hungry anymore. You'll amaze yourself at how little food it can take.

Anyway, I'm going to try to lose another 20 lbs. Then 20 more after that, and if I lose another 20, I'll weigh what I weighed freshman year of high school. I thought I was fat then. I did weight a lot more than most of my friends. I still do.

20 lbs.

2008-08-29T09:11:00.001-04:00

I lost 20 lbs sometimes in the last few months. I'm not exactly sure how - I wasn't doing any crazy dieting. I did try to be a little more aware of what I ate and I probably ate better because I was away from my partner - who has terrible eating habits. So now I'm 20lbs lighter than I was at my heaviest but I still weigh almost 50 lbs more than I did five years ago. However, five years ago was my all time low - I was living in another country, walking a million miles a day, and eating a lot less.

Old Pictures

2008-08-05T20:58:00.001-04:00

I was looking at some old pictures of myself - from just three or four years ago.

I can't believe how much weight I've gained. I thought I was fat then but I look back and I don't think I was so fat afterall. I wasted all that time thinking I was fat. I have no doubt that thinking I was fat then has helped me get fatter now.

I feel the same way about pics from high school. I wasn't fat and I wasted all those years thinking I was. If I hadn't thougth I was fat then, I wouldn't be as fat now. It's a cycle. Once I get down on myselfd I sabotage.

I need to start feeling good about myself. How do I do that without losing weight? Yet, trying to lose weight will only make me feel bad.

Author?

2008-07-28T19:28:00.000-04:00

Maybe I should write a book about a fat girl.

As soon as I thought about that I started to wonder I really emobdy fatgirlism. I was more in the throes of it when I was in high school. Now, I wish I was thinner and healthier and more beautiful, but it doesn't consume me like it once did.

Maybe I'm just in a good mood.

Maybe it's just been to long since I went clothes shopping...

Books

2008-07-21T19:21:00.001-04:00

There should be a list of books about fat girls. Maybe there is.

Here is my very short one:

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland
Nothing's Fair in Fifth Grade by Barthe DeClements

The last one has a fat girl but she's not the narrator or protagonist. The other two star women and their weight is a part of their indentity and part of the book. Here is the weird thing: both those books are written by men. They seem to hit the mark, though. I wonder what kind of research they did.

I am in search of a book about a fat girl or woman written by a woman.

I wonder...

2008-07-14T19:14:00.000-04:00

You know how when you meet someone that isn't that attractive but you get to know them and they become more attractive?

Also, if you meet someone you think is beautiful, as you get to know them you learn they aren't a nice person and they no longer look pretty to you.

Can that happen with ourselves? If I start to like myself or I'm feeling good, do I see myself differently than when I'm down?

Nakedness.

2008-07-07T19:07:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my body, but only in person. I still cringe when I see photos. I don't look like that when I look at myself in the mirror. I think I look OK in real life but disgusting in pictures.

I can't tell if I'm losing weight and actually do look better or if something inside is changing and I'm feeling more accepting of myself.

I think part of might be that I think that someone likes me and the fact that that person could like me looking how I am makes me think I might be able to, too. I mean likes me likes me.

Blog Culture

2008-07-01T07:01:00.000-04:00

Do all people abandon their blogs or just fat girls?

I've haven't really researched the topic but I did research fat girl blogs.

I bet everyone gets that idea, "How quaint! I'll begin blogging!" Then it ends.

Do we lost interest? Or is it too depressing to realize how uninteresting we find ourselves to be?

I think about giving up but I don't do it in case I'm letting someone down. I found other people to be interesting even though they thought they were boring.

We have to few opportunities to get inside other peoples' heads and see if there is anything in common that we can relate to. I just want to know if other fat girls think like me. I figured it would only be fair to share how I think.

Control Issues

2008-06-27T12:38:00.002-04:00

People always talk about eating disorders as control issues. It is definitely true. The only time I was ever able to really lose weight was when I had someone telling me to eat. I was too stubborn. I need that now.

The biggest frustration about being overweight, for me, is that it is a glaring reminder that I do not have control over myself. Being thing and toned isn't so much about beauty as it is having to power to manipulate the appearance of my own body through sheer determination.

Being completely in control of myself - now that is beautiful.

Reason for the Season

2008-06-17T17:17:00.000-04:00

I want to try to embody better reasons to lose weight. Maybe more motivation will come from there. However, those never seem to be enough. As much as I tell myself that exercise increases bone density, boosts immune system, give you energy, releases endorphins, makes you live longer - its not enough to motivate me.

I want to live forever. Ok, not quite. What I mean is that I want to be healthy and active in my old age. I want to be one of those 80 year olds who can still run and jump and get around and be independent. They amaze me. I don't want to get creaky and decrepit. I don't mind being wrinkled and all that (I mean at 70, I will mind at 50). I just want to be able to move. I want that for my partner, too, but it's not looking so good. I am terrified that he will die young because he's not that healthy either. I will never forgive him if he dies prematurely as a direct result of his lifestyle.

Anyhow, those reasons I just mentioned still aren't enough to actually make me do it. What really will motivate me, if and when it motivates me, is being thin, beautiful, and being able to wear better clothes. Is that shallow? I just want to be normal and have fun. I don't want to have to buy jeans so often because they wear out where my thighs rub together. I don't want people to look at me and think "should she really be eating french fries?" Fat girls can't win on that front because people will think something if you just get a salad, too.

I want to try to lose weight without anyone knowing I am trying. That way, if I fail, no one knows. Also, people are even worse about that "you're getting ice cream?" shit. Of course, it kind of sets me up to fail because I can do it without anyone giving me grief. It's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Fat girls not blogging

2008-06-13T13:13:00.000-04:00

Maybe I should stop fixating on this but what is it about fat girls that makes them give up on their blogs so easily. I only found one girl that was actively blogging since I started my blog and it looks as if will fall to the side like all the other fatty blogs.

There has to be something about fat girls. I felt the same way about this blog. Despite starting out with the outrage about girls who just give up on their blogs, after about a week I felt like I was losing interest. Maybe it was because talking about being fat is so foreign and can be uncomfortable. Part of me started to wonder why it mattered, no one was reading it. Perhaps its just the self-esteem which is usually part of being a large parcel. We start to think we're not good enough or not important enough for people to care what we think.

I've really be posting out of a sheer desire to not be one of those girls who just gives up on her blog. That's it. That's the only thing keeping me going and someone responds to one of my posts, it will continue to be the only thing.

This post felt therapeutic - maybe a few more of these and I will find some more motivation. That would be preferable. I cannot rely of validation from other people. I can't let whether or not someone appreciates me be my reason for continuing. I need to see this as something I do for myself.

Maybe that is where girls get sabotaged losing weight as well. We do it for someone else. We do it some someone will be our friend, our lover, so a stranger will think we are beautiful, to show that person who was mean to us, revenge...so many terrible reasons.

How many fat girls can honestly say the only want to lose weight for themselves?

Fat Check

2008-06-10T14:35:00.000-04:00

So if I am in a new place or with a new group or sometimes just when I enter a room - I do a fat check.

I check to see if I am the fattest person or fattest woman in the room. I don't think it has happened yet. Maybe I only think to do it when I see someone fatter than me. Maybe I've just been lucky. I did it in high school, I would check every class to see if I was the fattest girl in the class. I don't remember ever thinking I was, which is a surprise to me. Off the top of my head, I can only remember about five girls in my graduating class who were in fact fatter than me. I guess I always had one of them in my class...

Other Fat Girl Tales

2008-06-07T10:24:00.000-04:00

Someone should compile a list of fat girl literature. Maybe someone already has. Perhaps I will spend this summer seeking out books about fat girls. Here is my list so far:

She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb
Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland

I wonder if there are fat girl books that are actually written by women. I wonder why it is that a man would want to write a book in the first person about a fat girl...

Food for Thought

2008-06-04T22:23:00.000-04:00

I think a good measure of my progress will be when I stop thinking about food.

I think about food constantly. I think about what I am going to eat, what I want to eat, what I have in the fridge, what I need to buy from the grocery store, where I would go out to eat if I ever went out to eat. I am just always thinking about food.

I know I'm not the only one. What do other people think about?

Headings

2008-05-31T22:13:00.000-04:00

I've noticed that lots of my headings are questions. What is up with that?

I wonder if that says something about me - that I'm not sure of myself. Maybe I'm just bad at coming up with headings. It's not that easy.

Oh gosh, I feel so pathetic. I need to stop blogging about blogging.

The Big O

2008-05-27T12:08:00.003-04:00

I've never told anyone this. My partner knows because I never fake it. I've never had an orgasm.

I enjoy sex, I really do. I like it and I want it. It feels good but I haven't had an orgasm. They always say that if you have to ask, you haven't had one.

I think it's all in my head. I think orgasms are 90% mental - at least for women. I have several theories for why and I think they all interact.

1) Religious upbringing. I always thought as long as I didn't come, it wouldn't be a sin.
2) Trust. I think it would feel really vulnerable and while I trust my husband completely...well, maybe I don't. There is something holding me back and I don't know if it's because he thinks this is my problem to solve or if it has to do with things outside out sex life.
3) Weight. I think I'm subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, unconvinced that I'm attractive and I can't feel completely relaxed.

Every time I see a television show where the topic comes up, I feel better, like I'm not so alone. Other women are in the same boat - many many woman. Anyone out there?

Loneliness

2008-05-22T21:52:00.002-04:00

I started this blog to try to connect with people and share myself with people anonymously in away I otherwise could not.

It's more difficult than I thought. I do not feel like I am connecting with anyone or that anyone reads this. It's undermining my desire to post. I'm starting to understand why so many people began and gave up.

Maybe I shouldn't give up so soon - maybe it will be five years before anyone reads this. Maybe it will be never. I guess I'll keep going. Maybe the fact that no one is reading it will make it easier to post. I kept thinking, "what if someone I know reads this and knows that it is me?" I keep another blog and I wanted to make sure I don't say anything that could identify me - post similar events on similar days. I think I'm being paranoid.

I am starting to think this blog isn't even interesting. Maybe there is nothing special about my story. I'm just another fat girl.

What is wrong with me?

2008-05-20T21:44:00.002-04:00

I wasn't even hungry. I think I'm just dehydrated. I skipped the yogurt and granola and went for tortilla chips and salsa con queso. Before I knew it, both the jar of dip and the bag of chips was more than half empty. I just zoned out eating. I'm mad at myself. I shouldn't eat straight from the containers, I should have used a bowl and counted out some chips.

Is this self-sabotage? Am I worried that someone might find me attractive?

Who Am I?

2008-05-14T20:00:00.002-04:00

I started out thinking this would be the place for me to be brutally honest and say things I would never say without the comfort of anonymity. However, it did not take me long to decide what things I would conceal and what things I would not. I was thinking I would conceal the fact that I am in a relationship. I don't know, maybe I thought it would make me more interesting or more pitiable or make fat girls feel like they could relate better. I guess that was presumptuous.

Fat girls come in all walks of life. I'm married. I am really happily married. I am completely in love with my husband and he with me. No kids, we're young yet. We've been married three years.

The big girl blogs have all been about terrible marriages or the singles. I guess I thought more fat girls would like me if I gave the illusion of singleness. It's so easy to hate people who are happy. I am happy. Please don't hate me.

It still gets lonely being fat. I don't want to burden my husband with my dissatisfaction with myself. He loves me just the way I am. However, I can't help feeling insecure about my body. He thinks I am sexy but he also thinks skinny girls are sexy.

Bottomless Pit

2008-05-12T23:47:00.002-04:00

I've recently started paying attention to when I am full. It happens way sooner than I would expect. It's really amazing how little food it takes to make me full. Why have I been eating so much?

Being hungry is an incredible thing. I know I've gone months and months before without ever feeling hungry. How terrible is that?

I gained 65 lbs in five years. I weigh about ten less than I did at my peak (a couple months ago.) I haven't been trying to do anything - I am just paying more attention to what I eat and when I am full but I'm not denying myself anything or starving. I've also started walking. It's so invigorating!

Even though weight loss is always on my mind, I try to entice myself to exercise for other reasons: like longer, look younger, be active longer, increase bone density, boost immune system... I am terrified of aging. I don't want to look old or feel old - like my body is aging and can't accomplish things.

I am also afraid of wasting my youth being fat and missing out the time in my life when I have the most potential to be beautiful. If I lose weight when I'm older, it won't be the same as if I had been young and thin.

Weight Loss Journeys

2008-05-05T10:54:00.002-04:00

I've noticed that a lot of the other big girl blogs are about a weight loss journey. This is not. I may or may not lose weight. Of course I would like to. I like to say I'm motivated by health reasons but really I want to look different. Actually, I want to look how I imagine myself looking. I don't recognize myself. The way I look is not how I picture myself.

There are a couple moments in the decent to fatness that were signs I wish I heeded. While I have always been fat, I've never been this fat before.

Awhile ago, I don't know, maybe two years ago, I notice that the fat roll on my back got big enough to touch my back; I could feel my fat rolls touching.

The other big wake-up was sometimes in the past year. I was on an airplane and my thighs and hips squished out into the seat next to me. I couldn't really put down the arm rest. That had never happened before. I started noticing that other seats were snug, too. That's a whole new level of fatness. It's not just about wanting to wear cute clothes. I want to have a normal life. I want to fit in chairs.

Why am I here?

2008-05-01T00:52:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to figure out why I started this blog. I think I'm hoping to connect with other fat girls. Being a fat girl can be lonely and I even have a hard time talking about it with other real life fat girl friends. It's awkward and I get embarrassed. I don't like admitting to people that I think I am fat. What's more unattractive that a fat girl who knows she is fat? I don't know if that's why I don't admit it... I think it's more because if I acknowledge it, then people will expect me to change it. I think people will just say to themselves, "If you're unhappy, then lose weight, fatty."

It's not that easy. I'm not sure why. However, one day I did realize that being fat is part of my identity and if I did somehow manage to lose all the weight, I wouldn't be myself anymore. I've always been fat.* Food and losing weight and being overweight are always on my mind. If I wasn't far, who would I be? What would I think about? The bigger concern is what if I lose all the weight and I still feel fat? What if it doesn't make me happy? Not too long ago (four years) I weighed about fifty pounds less, and I still felt fat. I could fit into a Size 14 at that point. It didn't look good, but I could fit. A lot happened in those four years, but I can always write about that later.

Sometimes I think about trying to lose weight just for me. I imagine that I lose weight and then start dressing in layers so people still think I'm fat. They might see the weight loss in my face but maybe I could fool them. Then again, I think all the fun of being thin would be in the clothes.

After a little more searching, I've found a couple active fat girl blogs. I'm pretty excited about it and hope those girls keep posting. There are links to their blogs on the side.

*I've always thought I was fat and I remember the first time someone told me I was fat. (E.M. in second grade. We were lining up at the end of the day and she just said point blank, "You're fat." I shoved her. I didn't know what else to do and I wasn't expecting it. She was rail thin. However, I look back at pictures of myself in high school and I don't think I was fat. I spent all that time thinking I was. I don't know if I really wasn't fat or if I just wasn't fat compared to know. (There's about an 70 lbs difference between me in high school and me now.) Then again, I think its just that one picture in which I didn't look fat. I look fat in all my other pictures. But maybe there was a brief moment when I wasn't fat but I didn't appreciate it. Maybe if I had, I wouldn't have kept gaining weight.

Fat Girl Tale: The Beginning

2008-04-30T20:08:00.002-04:00

I've spent some time typing in different blog addresses along the fat girl theme..."fatgirl.blogspot," "fatchick.blogspot," "fatgirlstory.blogspot" and the like. All the blogs I found were pretty old and hadn't been updated in five years or more and few had even three posts. The most recent one I could find was "blogofafatgirl.blogspot." However, like many of the others, it only had one post. So, this is my contribution to the world of fatgirl blogs. Hopefully it will have more consistency and if at least one girl reads it, then its a success. Even if no one does, I hope it will be therapeutic for me.

Nothing came up when I put in "fatgirltale." I wasn't sure if I wanted it at first. I looked up "tale" and dictionary.com. What I found was:

–noun

1.	a narrative that relates the details of some real or imaginary event, incident, or case; story: a tale about Lincoln's dog.

2.	a literary composition having the form of such a narrative.

3.	a falsehood; lie.

4.	a rumor or piece of gossip, often malicious or untrue.

5.	the full number or amount.

6.	Archaic. enumeration; count.

7.	Obsolete. talk; discourse.

I decided it was really appropriate. This will in fact be a narrative. Ever since I was a little fat girl, I dreamed about writing my autobiography. I got to a point where I decided I never wanted my family to know the real story of my life and that I would publish my life story under a pseudonym and while it would be entirely true, I would want it filed under "fiction."

So here is my story, all true but with a fake name, for you to read like literature, not history.